Posts Tagged ‘Toronto Maple Leafs’

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What kind of hockey player are you?

August 27th, 2010

I’ve been talking about my rec hockey life a little bit lately. Today I’m going to do more of that so let’s have some fun with this. There are two rec hockey seasons: summer and winter. Winter runs from September to April and summer runs from May to September. As you’ve probably surmised, summer rec hockey is coming to an end.

That means I’m trying to figure out which teams I will play on for the winter season. In addition to that, I recently decided to add another team to my schedule. And so, the “interviews” begin. Every team leader asks a series of questions like “How good are you,” “What leagues have you played in” and of course, “What kind of player are you?”

I usually say something like “Uhh, I’m OK. I don’t suck.” I never know how to explain what kind of player I am. To help with this issue – and hopefully get some sort of resolution before all the winter teams cut me – I’ve created a list of player descriptions. I’ll start with the straight forward descriptions and move into the more specific examples after.

The Goal Scorer
Description: A strong forward who has the capability of scoring a goal every time he steps on the ice. A player who’s best single season goal total almost beats the Edmonton Oilers points total from last season.
NHL Comparables: Alex Ovechkin, Steven Stamkos, Matt Moulson.

The Playmaker
Description: A player who has great on-ice vision and knows how to control the pace of the game. A player who does everything Craig Conroy was supposed to do in Calgary. A player who can actually pull off no-look passes without fans screaming “Dammit Spezza!!”
NHL Comparables: Nicklas Backstrom, Patrick Kane, no current Toronto Maple Leafs player.

The Difference Maker
Description: A player who would no doubt would be subjected to benchside interviews from Pierre McGuire… if, you know, he had slightly less credibility.
NHL Comparables: Mike “Monster” Richards, Dion “Monster” Phaneuf… those are the only two comparables, ever.

The Really Good, Young Player
Description: A young and strong player the entire team loves… except the guy who makes decisions. Largely because he’s a poor evaluator of talent and doesn’t know what an offer sheet is… yet!
NHL Comparables: James Neal, Bobby Ryan, Marc Staal.

Those are all pretty simple descriptions. But sometimes team leaders want even more information about the kind of player you are and what you bring to their team. Here are some more in depth descriptions I’ve been using (with little success, of course).

The Mike Milbury
Description: An extremely special player that you could build a team around and expect years of success with. A player that no other GM would even think about trading (even for a great return).
NHL Comparables: Roberto Luongo, Jason Spezza, dozens more.

The Don Cherry
Description: A player no one really acknowledges for anything and yet, some crazy old man feverishly campaigns for Team Canada to pick him for the Olympics.
NHL Comparables: I dunno, I never noticed a player like this.

The Dave Andreychuk
Description: By far the oldest guy on the ice who is someday bound to win something (for the love of God!!!!).
NHL Comparables: Todd Bertuzzi, Daniel Alfredsson and uhh… Dave Andreychuk.

The Doug Maclean
Description: An overrated (read: not scouted well enough) forward picked from a very strong pool of players in which he was clearly the worst.
NHL Comparables: Gilbert “still a great pick” Brule.

The Don Waddell
Description: A player with so much talent and such a bright future who the Atlanta Thrashers would only screw up, trade or do nothing with 5/10 times.
NHL Comparables: Patrik Steffan, Alex Bourret, Braydon Coburn, Kari Lehtonen, Boris Valabik.

Hey readers: Have some fun with me – What kind of hockey player are you? Let me know in the comments below!

Stay classy, hockey players.

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Significance of the NHL’s 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp

August 13th, 2010

Toronto is getting ready to host the NHL’s 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp next week. The event is so big that Gatorade is actually sponsoring the event! Granted, Gatorade sponsors anything with young hockey players but it’s still pretty cool, right? On second thought, they’d probably sponsor Neverland Ranch if those kids wore skates…

Uhhh, anyways… (how does one transition from that?!?!)…

Part of the excitement behind the 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp (RDO for short) is due to the fact that next summer’s top draft-eligible prospects will participate in the two day event. The consensus from all the hockey fans I’ve spoken to is no one really cares. But today, I’d like to explain the RDO’s significance to you:

  • If this event goes well in Canada, it’s very likely the NHL will bring it to the US, make it an annual tradition and start taking it seriously.
  • This entire event is a mirror image of Gary Bettman’s corporate philosophy: Fix what’s not broken and ignore what really needs attention. Brilliant, Gary.
  • Pro scouts can use this two day event as a good measuring stick for prospects future weight, height and nurse outfit size.
  • Media, bloggers and Brian Burke can get a closer look at who else the Toronto Maple Leafs won’t be drafting next summer.
  • RDO organizer, Brendan Shanahan, has said he hopes the camp will encourage new coaching strategies and offensive innovations. And then he hired Ken Hitchcock to run the event.
  • The New York Islanders intend to hire Mike Milbury to serve as a special advisor to their scouting team during the event. The Islanders staff will ask Milbury who he would trade in order to rank the top talent.
  • One of the lesser discussed camp seminars will teach top rated prospects to continue working hard and taking training seriously to avoid one day surpassing Wade Redden as the high paid AHL player of all time.
  • Every NHL team will send their scouting departments to this event to make note of the young, upcoming talent. Everyone except the Calgary Flames, who are still using the Sutter brothers “only if they’ve played for us before” policy.
  • NHL scouts and GM’s will get a first hand look at how these kids deal with adversity like changing rules, shifting crease sizes, wider blue lines and more. It will feel just like any Stephane Auger officiated NHL game.

Stay classy, 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp.

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Other people and organizations DownGoesBrown can write for

July 28th, 2010

Hockey news in late July is pretty slim (read: Not Wellwood). And then yesterday a number of hockey stories broke all at once. The signings of Alexei Ponikarovsky and Alex Frolov (Kovalchuk-Lite versions 1 and 2), Max Talbot referring to Alex Ovechkin as a hygienic instrument and of course the big story, DownGoesBrown now writing for the National Post!

(Check out his debut article here).

As many in the online hockey community noted yesterday, this is crazy-awesome news. Kudos to the National Post for doing something different and bringing something fresh to their audience. Following this news, I had many contacts reach out and inform me that DGB’s writing skills could be hugely valuable within NHL circles. My mind began racing and I started calling my insiders to learn as much as I could.

So in light of his new writing gig, here’s a few other people and organizations DGB can write for:

  • New Jersey Devils: Apparently Lou Lamoriello and the rest of the New Jersey Devils are having some trouble writing a simple 17-year contract for a player I’m not overly familiar with. I’m pretty sure DGB could take a look through the existing contract and jam in a few subtle points to make it stick with the league.
  • Kyle Wellwood: We are a full month into free agency and Kyle Wellwood has been offered as many NHL contracts as he’s ordered salads this summer. Maybe DGB can work with Wellwood’s agent to write a pamphlet outlining some of Kyle’s core skills. Skills like “Ability to weave in-and-out of impatient McDonald’s lines on free Big Mac day” and “Literally wrestling every last piece of fried chicken out of the KFC stand just outside of Sunday’s Nascar event.”
  • Junior Hockey Stars: It would be nice of DGB to help prepare top junior stars for the NHL by giving solid advice and handing out reality checks to those who need it. For example, DGB could address how being drafted by the Toronto Maple Leafs isn’t the end of your career. It just means your NHL career won’t truly begin until you are traded in lopsided exchange that further empties Toronto’s depth chart.
  • NHL11: Later this summer EA Sports will release NHL11 to gamers and hockey fans across the world. If EA Sports are smart, they’ll enlist DGB to write a eulogy script for the game’s announcers each time users try to trade for Phil Kessel.
  • Alexei Ponikarovsky: It took nearly a month for free agent Alexei Ponikarovsky to get a contract offer. Given Ponikarovsky’s disappointing results during a brief stint with Pittsburgh last year, the Los Angeles Kings might want to have DGB add a quick blurb in Poni’s contract about the NHL season mattering after February. On second thought, with DGB being a loyal Leafs fan, maybe he’s not the right guy for this assignment after all…
  • Edmonton Oilers Prospects: Everyone knows about the Edmonton Oilers history of winning, great fans and star players with no trade clauses. For young Edmonton prospects, they have no choice – their rights belong to the Oilers. DGB could help educate these inexperienced players that traditionally, you can demand a trade out of Edmonton once you feel like you’ve carried the team for a few years or weeks. DGB will be sure to note that you are obligated to cry like a baby at a press conference when this happens.
  • New York Rangers: Glen Sather confuses the hell out of everyone. It’s clear he could use a translator of sorts – someone who can eloquently explain his logic for trades and signings. Basically, Sather and the Rangers need DGB to explain how prized UFA signing Derek Boogaard is worth roughly 1/25th of Ilya Kovalchuk.
  • Ottawa Senators Goaltending Coach: Recently the Ottawa Senators hired Rick Wamsley as their new goaltending coach. It would be wise of the Senators to have DGB explain to fans that Wamsley probably won’t take part in Bryan Murray’s annual “Blame someone else February firings”… this season.

Stay classy, DownGoesBrown. The National Post just got a lot better!

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Hockey resemblances in my office

July 16th, 2010

Well readers it’s Friday, which probably means you are already at home enjoying the weekend. For the few of you still at the office, I have a treat for you (read: a 5 minute time waster). Lately I’ve noticed a ton of similarities and resemblances of hockey and hockey stories in my office. Maybe I’m sinking to new low’s in this brutally slow off-season. Or maybe it’s because the only hockey news I’m hearing about is Ilya Kovalchuk’s sight-seeing itinerary. Or – and this is a huge possibility – I’m going crazy. At any rate, here are some hockey resemblances in my office:

  • The receptionist in my office is a pest. Everything she does is annoying and she yaps way too much. Each time we speak is like a dagger through my eye. When she talks I see her lips moving but I never truly comprehend what she’s saying. And she repeats herself six or seven times per thought, at minimum. Without a doubt, this must be how Ryan Kelser feels when told his linemate for the year will be Alex Burrows.
  • My boss doesn’t do anything particularly well. In fact, he always gets in the way of projects and tasks. He’s a giant road block at life. And he’s paid quite well too. Basically, he’s Anton Volchenkov.
  • Of course offer sheets don’t exist in my office. Never would competition offer a 200% salary raise to someone for simply being employed. What does exist in my office is an immediate “You’re fired if you don’t perform well” offer. It’s valid at any time.
  • My office has a wonderful design team. They are very creative and combined with the marketing department are excellent at taking silly ideas and keeping them in the news for weeks on end. They were thrilled to hear from Dean Lombardi a few weeks ago about a “top secret July news-blitz project.”
  • A few women in my office are engaged and soon to be married. It’s a very happy time for them. They are enjoying the planning process but admit they are slight divas. They are also very competitive people. Can you imagine how much “Z-Snaping” and weird neck gestures I’m going to see after they find out Carrie Underwood had a secret wedding location located “somewhere” in North America???
  • I started working at this office just before the NHL’s regular season ended. Once the summer officially began I noticed the office hours changed dramatically. In fact, I haven’t seen many of my co-workers for months now. You are probably thinking “OK, this is going to be a Leafs joke because they always miss the playoffs.” Yup! You are correct. Leafs suck!
  • All is quiet in our “cowards who don’t back up their words” department. I guess we let those guys intern at Vogue all summer too.
  • This isn’t at all related to my job but it’s good to see Mike Komisarek in the news again. I’m impressed at how much he’s contributed to the NHLPA’s search for a new leader. I think it speaks to his work ethic. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s done more for the PA this summer than he did for the Leafs all last season.
  • My company lost a terrific salesman last summer named Marian. It’s still affecting our sales numbers for this year and the company has yet to get back on track. But we can’t afford to look at the past any longer. It was an employee we should have kept and didn’t. Instead we decided to double the salary of our next best salesman, Mikko. We figure he’ll eventually become the all time sales leader within our organization, surpassing the totals of Marian’s 7-year tenure with us, even if it takes him the rest of his career. And when that time comes – and it might not, ever – we will celebrate by calling Mikko a “franchise salesman.”

Stay classy, weird hockey office.

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If LeBron James played in the NHL

July 9th, 2010

Finally the LeBron James fiasco is over. James, Dwyane Wade and some other “star” have all signed with the Miami Heat. I guess that’s the NHL equivalent of Sidney Crosby, Alexander Ovechkin and Manny Malholtra all signing with Washington (or some other team). Man, what a disaster for sports. Anyways I’m sure hockey fans around the world were wondering the same as me on Thursday night: “What if LeBron James played in the NHL?” Luckily, you have your answers:

  • TSN would air a day-long broadcast complete with instant analysis from Bob McKenzie, Darren Dreger and two former NHLers named Mike who no one remembers.
  • The Ottawa Senators wouldn’t show interest in a non-Russian born star who isn’t far removed from his prime.
  • If Darryl Sutter hasn’t signed him before, he’s not going to now!
  • The Vancouver Canucks would offer to retire his jersey with a nice ceremony set for next season. Even if his career ends up being just OK.
  • Simon Gagne would still be asked to waive his no trade clause for completely unrelated reasons.
  • The Los Angeles Kings wouldn’t have interest in him. But then they would. And then they wouldn’t. And then they would… Oh god! Make it stop already!
  • LeBron James is definitely the solution to get the Lighthouse Project afloat.
  • The Montreal Canadiens bid for James would inevitably come up short.
  • Strangely, Philadelphia-based “insiders” would rate the odds of James ending up a Flyer a solid e4 or higher.
  • The Toronto Maple Leafs would have little to no interest in James. Not because he’s an excellent player or financial commitments to other players but because he’s not a defenseman.
  • Gary Bettman would declare the intense coverage of LeBron-gate a successful part of the NHL’s expansion strategy.

Stay classy, LeBron James.

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Revisiting the NHL’s “What If” TV commercials

June 29th, 2010

Remember the “What If” TV commercials the NHL ran during this year’s Stanley Cup Playoffs? That was a great campaign. Well, the classic ones with Gretzky, Orr and Lemieux. Some of the newer ones – like that Mike Cammalleri one – weren’t as good. For what it’s worth, I still thought the campaign was great.

As part of my ongoing effort to help grow the sport and aid the NHL’s marketing department, I wanted to share a few of the “What If” commercials that never made it past the cutting room floor. Did you know the original campaign was supposed to cover the entire Stanley Cup Playoffs, the Entry Draft and past the beginning of Unrestricted Free Agency (July 1st)?

True story… So without further delay, here are some of the lesser known “What If” commercials that didn’t quite make it onto your TV’s:

What If… Peter Chiarelli was more ‘savvy’ about signing long term contracts?

What If… Bryan Murray turned over Jason Spezza?

What If… Tomas Kaberle wasn’t available every draft, deadline and free agency period?

What If… The 2nd overall pick in 1993′s NHL Entry Draft remembered Alexandre Daigle?

What If… The Toronto Maple Leafs didn’t believe in drafting?

What If… A star player remained a star player after being drafted by the Islanders?

What If… Darryl Sutter and Lou Lamiorello each had plans for the Flames and Devils?

What If… Peter Chiarelli knew he didn’t need to include No Trade Clauses in every contract?

What If… The Lightning hadn’t gambled on naming Rich Tocchet their head coach?

What If… Most of the hockey blogosphere actually knew who the kids drafted last weekend were?

What If… People believed Brian Burke actually had 4 or 5 “hard offers” for Kaberle?

What If… The Canucks didn’t give such generous contracts to checking wingers?

What If… Daniel Alfredsson’s guarantees resembled those of Mark Messier’s… even just a bit?

Stay classy, NHL TV commercials.

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NHL Draft Facebook Event – Would you go?

June 25th, 2010

When I logged into Facebook last night, I had a notification of an event I had yet to RSVP to. I’m still not entirely sure if I should confirm my attendance. Although it looks legit (the NHL is very hip on these social media sites!), I’m not sure I fit in with the scene.

Below is a screenshot of the 2010 NHL Draft Facebook event. Would you go?

(Click on the image to view a larger version).

Stayclassy.net's funny 2010 NHL Draft event on Facebook

Stay classy, NHL Entry Draft.

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Signs your hockey team is in trouble

June 23rd, 2010

It’s a busy time in the hockey world. The NHL Entry Draft and the start of Unrestricted Free Agency are both days away and teams are actively trying to better their rosters in any and every way possible. This even includes making trades, something I’m not accustomed to after last year’s “trade deadline”.

For most teams it’s a very exciting time. For others it’s a time of hopelessness and despair. Here are some signs your hockey team might be in trouble:

  • You recently traded for a player who once won a Stanley Cup for your franchise. Problem is he’s twice as old as your best player, Zach Parise.
  • Glenn Sather is still employed by your organization.
  • Your designated number one goalie for next season has averaged just 42 games played in each of his last five seasons.
  • Your GM is heavily considering offering the league maximum salary to Lebron James.
  • Recently Pierre McGuire was considered a finalist for your vacant GM position. I’m looking at you, Minnesota.
  • Your head coach just stepped down to be a (another) team advisor. Between you, the braintrust of Kevin Lowe, Steve Tambellini, Mike Sillinger and others, you are one really old guy away from becoming the Toronto Maple Leafs.
  • It’s been more than a full season since you last had a team Captain. Even the Leafs recently named a Captain!
  • You resigned Matt Cooke to a 3-year contract extension.
  • The core players of your franchise were the considered core players of your team before the lockout. I think one those core players might retire this summer too.
  • Steven Stamkos’ 2010 Rocket Richard trophy win is probably the highlight of your team’s season, next season.
  • It’s been almost a week since I last heard a ‘truculence/tough’ speech from Brian Burke.
  • Doug Wilson, your General Manager, intends to follow the Flyers goaltending model by “not paying very much for it.”  This should help you get closer to the Stanley Cup and finally not choking next season…
  • You legitimately believe “he didn’t object to the fact that maybe it’s time – the way (he’s) been received – now maybe it’s time” makes any sense to anyone.

Stay classy, troubled NHL teams.

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A closer look at the NHL’s trade market

June 18th, 2010

The 2010 NHL Entry Draft is just one week away! Stay calm and collected my friends, this is the best news I’ve heard since the Blackhawks ended the season last week. As with every year, the Draft is always the start of some significant roster moves around the league.

In light of yesterdays blockbuster Canadiens-Blues trade (clarification: would-be blockbuster deal, provided Montreal actually got something in exchange for Halak), I had several teams complete a quick “need and available” survey. Let’s look at the needs of a few teams who’s names have been in the rumor mill in recent weeks:

Montreal Canadiens
Needs: A number one goalie, someone who can actually keep up with PK Subban and a good knee brace for Andrei Markov.
Available: Potential franchise goalie and whoever the current coach of our AHL team is.

Chicago Blackhawks
Needs: To shed salary without damanging the core of the team.
Available: Marian Hossa and Cristobal Huet. Any takers? No? OK. How about this: Huet was a mentor to Halak… still nothing? How about this: Hossa managed to score some nice goals in 22 playoff games… (Stayclassy.net: Good luck Stan Bowman!)

Philadelphia Flyers
Needs: To rip off a team with a great available goalie like the St. Louis Blues did.
Available: Daniel Briere and his no movement clause. Apparently that clause applies to local highways too.

Ottawa Senators
Needs: To acquire a point per game center/playmaker. Also needed are elite goal scorer(s), a shutdown defenseman and number one goalie.
Available: A point per game center/playmaker and a bunch of players no one wants.

Toronto Maple Leafs
Needs: Another assistant General Manager and another roster shake up (It’s been like, a few weeks since the last one…).
Available: Pretty much everyone except Dave Nonis. He’s probably the most untouchable person in the organization. And if you do somehow get him, I (Burkie) will pull him right back!

San Jose Sharks
Needs: Veteran leadership, proven playoff performers and a new team captain (just like every off-season in San Jose).
Available: All of our good players except Dan Boyle and the grinders like Manny Malholtra.

Minnesota Wild
Needs: … uhhh actually, what/who do we have???
Available: N/A.

St. Louis Blues
Needs: A veteran forward and some young prospects.
Available: The negotiation rights for goalie Chris Mason. Our asking price? Free or best offer. Did you see what we got Halak for???

Stay classy, NHL teams looking to make trades.

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Signs you’re ready for the next NHL season to start

June 15th, 2010

It hasn’t even been a week since the final NHL game of the season and already it feels like an eternity has passed. I’m so bored and I don’t remember what I did last summer or the one before that to pass the time. I also don’t recall feeling this lost less than a week after the hockey season ended.

In between spouts of depression and anger I’ve come to learn hockey fans want their hockey. Here are a few signs you know you’re ready for the next NHL season to start. Feel free to add yours below.

  • You miss Bob McKenzie’s insider analysis so much the HF Boards trade suggestions don’t actually look that bad.
  • In addition to announcing Dion Phaneuf as their new team captain on Monday, the Toronto Maple Leafs showcased their new brand new jerseys. Most people didn’t realize this since they looked exactly the same as any other blue Leaf jersey made in the last 30 years. This is hockey news in mid-June folks…
  • You actually know how to spell and/or pronounce “vuvuzela.”
  • You just found out about this hugely popular TV show called Lost that apparently ended a month ago.
  • Never in a million years did you think you’d actually be interested to hear what Taylor Hall says on draft day.
  • Upon further thought, maybe Jim Hughson wasn’t as annoying in the Playoffs as originally thought??
  • Reading one of Eklund’s “why I need three iPad’s to blog about hockey” was almost worth the annual $20 membership fee.
  • You actually read that article about Peter Forsberg nearly playing for the Flyers this season and didn’t want your last two minutes back.
  • You are bankrupt so you are pretty much ready to get back to work right away to pay for that tanking family construction business.
  • Wait. “Sports Talk Radio” actually exists in the summer?
  • Hey it’s been a week since you last saw a Sidney Crosby commercial!
  • You wonder if  a Rangers/Islanders  3-D NHL broadcast would be exciting to watch. Oh wait. No it wouldn’t. There’s no way the NHL would ever do something that gimmicky.
  • You unexpectedly enjoyed a quiet and relaxing last few months, you know, because your name is Carcillo.
  • Suddenly you realize going two full months without shaving isn’t that awesome and kind of gross.
  • Hey it’s been a week since you last saw a Bruce Boudreau commercial!
  • You watch CBC’s great Playoff montages to get pumped up for the World Cup.

Stay classy, NHL off-season. My god this is going to feel like forever! Is it October yet?

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