To pay homage to Friday the 13th, I wanted to do something frightful and horrific. Some have suggested the Ottawa Senators loss to the Philadelphia Flyers last night was enough but I still wanted to go the extra mile.
While doing my daily “NHL Google search for great coaches”, I found some of the strangest and most bizarre pictures ever. I want to share what I believe these coaches are about to say with some accurate side commentary.

Peter Laviolette - Former Carolina Hurricanes head coach
“Oh, there is no way in hell that my ass is supposed to feel like this right now.”
I wonder how long it was after Peter Laviolette made this lovely face that he was fired from the Carolina Hurricanes? Don’t worry Peter, I think your replacement (Paul Maurice) is about to make a similar face with the struggles of the Hurricanes this season. And when that happens (if it hasn’t already), I’m waiting for you two to swap jobs. Again. And then he’ll know how your ass felt.

Paul Maurice - Carolina Hurricanes head coach... for now
“Do you see what I have to deal with here… and you’re still calling that a penalty. Look at this neanderthal. I will have him eat you!”
Haha, what the hell is that? I know the Carolina Hurricanes really suck right now but what kind of face is this? I love Sergei Samsonov’s face (right), too. It’s like he’s frozen after seeing Maurice… I think his mouthguard is about to fall out of his mouth. But in all seriousness, Maurice looks like he’s about to kill someone. Maybe Jason Blake? (Jason Blake seems to only play well against Maurice and the Hurricanes). Maybe Maurice will have Blake eaten?

Pat Quinn - Edmonton Oilers head coach
“Let’s see here. If Fat Pat wins, then skinny Pat needs to gain more weight. That makes sense, right?”
I would hate to be the one Pat Quinn is looking at in this picture. This is the kind of look that makes people spontaneously combust. Maybe that explains Nikolai Khabibulan’s mega-mistake earlier this season in the Edmonton Oilers home opener against the Calgary Flames. Maybe he needs to get fatter?

Ron Wilson - Toronto Maple Leafs head coach
“Good God, I wish I knew how to read this thing.”
Aww this is rich. I love how Ron Wilson has a cute giggle hidden by a game card that says “Team Tough – No Leaf is ever left behind!” So what’s scary about this? The fact they haven’t left Vesa Toskala behind yet. Zing.

Brent Sutter - Calgary Flames head coach
“Ref, do you have any idea how many N’s are in Langenbrunner?”
Brent Sutter has a bit of the beaver-buck tooth thing going here. I suspect it’s a result of having to spell Langenbrunner on 82 game sheets last year. Or the fact Martin Brodeur choked pretty bad in the playoffs last year. One or the other…

Cory Clouston - Ottawa Senators head coach
“Yeaaaaaah…”
Cory Clouston’s response when asked who was a better goalie between Patty Lalime and Ron Tugnutt. By saying “Yeaaaaaah”, I think Clouston is trying to say neither. After a small delay, Clouston also admitted Pascal Leclaire isn’t much of an upgrade after recent Martin Gerber-like goals against.
Stay classy, scary faced NHL coaches.
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Will they or won’t they – Edmonton Oilers
October 2nd, 2009The big question in Edmonton is the same question the team has faced every year since the 2005-2006 season. The question is whether the Edmonton Oilers will make the playoffs or not this year.
Reasons They Will Make the Playoffs
After missing the playoffs for the past 3 seasons, something had to give in Edmonton. They had the world’s first mutual firing of longtime head coach Craig MacTavish and quickly hired Pat Quinn (and Tom Reeney) to replace him. I like this move and I think Oilers fans will rejoice in the coaching change. No offense to Mac-T on this one, but he had clearly lost the dressing room and the team seemed very out of sync towards the end of the season last year. Quinn will bring new life to the team and will create higher levels of accountability for each player.
Up front, I think the Oilers have a tremendous level of skill. Their top 9 forwards are as fast as any team in the Western Conference and at the very least, this should keep their games entertaining to watch. Among forwards, the players to watch will be Dustin Penner, Andrew Cogliano and Sam Gagner. Cogliano and Gagner both regressed last season after making large impacts in their rookie seasons two years ago. They’re also both RFA’s at the end of the year so I’m expecting them both to put up solid seasons. This counts double for Sam Gagner, who really, really struggled last year. Dustin Penner, a.k.a The Enigma, is entering a true make-it-or-break-it season. He’s the big man up front and with all of Edmonton’s skill, he can be that player that cleans up in front of the net and scores tons of garbage goals. If Penner can do his best Dino Ciccarelli impression, Edmonton fans will forget all about the disappointment of his past few seasons. I think Penner will benefit tremendously from the coaching change. It seemed like Penner was getting publically called out every few weeks last year, so a clean slate will be a nice change for him. I also think he plays at his best with a chip on his shoulder, and that whole Dany Heatley saga this summer should provide adequate fuel for that fire.
Reasons They Won’t Make the Playoffs
Looking at Edmonton’s blueline, it looks pretty strong. Their top 4 include Sheldon Souray and a healthier Lubomir Visnovsky. Tom Gilbert is coming off a strong season and Ladislav Smid may just be one of the best kept secrets of the Western Conference. Injuries will play a key factor, especially if Souray or Visnovsky get hurt and miss significant amounts of time, as the depth of the Oilers defense isn’t quite as deep as other teams in the west. This could put the playoffs out of reach, as it’s worth noting that Edmonton have 5 road trips of at least 4 games in length this year. Their top 4 blueliners log huge amounts of icetime and unless Edmonton can remain extremely healthy, it could make for a really rough season.
My other main concern is the lack of size for Edmonton’s forwards. I was puzzled by the signing of Mike Comrie because it seemed like they already had too many small players. Comrie is one of 5 players who are 5’11” or smaller and play on the top 3 lines. And this doesn’t count Shawn Horcoff or Ales Hemsky, which makes me wonder how much punishment these small forwards can take. Aside from Penner, I’m not sure who will play enough minutes to be able to competently stand up for the little guys. Again, with so many lengthy road trips, these smaller forwards will need to keep their heads up and their feet moving.
Final Prediction
This will be tough to read if you’re an Oilers fan, so I’m sorry in advance. Honestly, it’s not that the Oilers aren’t talented enough to be in the playoffs – I think talent-wise, they’re there. The problem is the depth of the Western Conference. You can break the teams up into three different groups (in not particular order):
Playoff Bound: Anaheim, Calgary, Chicago, Detroit, San Jose, Vancouver
On the Bubble: Columbus, Dallas, Edmonton, L.A., Minnesota, Nashville, St. Louis
Golfing in May: Colorado, Phoenix
The top 6 teams in the West are virtual locks to make the playoffs. Then you’ve got your ‘bubble teams’. Of those teams, I think most people, myself included, are expecting St. Louis to get back into the playoffs this year, and I think Columbus will get in as well. When you look at the teams Edmonton are competing against, it’s hard to imagine one of the aforementioned clubs not making the post-season. The bottom-line is that Edmonton are going to need to have a terrific season just to out-do one of those teams and make the playoffs. If there’s one thing you can guarantee, it’s that the race to the Stanley Cup Playoffs will be an absolute battle-royale in the Western Conference. Perhaps the Oilers should rent Top Gun to learn how to dog fight, because that’s what it’s going to take. Ultimately, I think the Oilers will remain in the hunt until the end of the regular season, but I just can’t see them squeezing past teams like St. Louis or Columbus.
Your Reporter in the Field,
Fantana
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Posted in NHL Commentary
Tags: Ales Hemsky Andrew Cogliano Craig MacTavish Dany Heatley Dustin Penner Edmonton Oilers Ladislav Smid Lubomir Visnovsky Mike Comrie NHL Pat Quinn Sam Gagner Shawn Horcoff Sheldon Souray StayClassy.net Tom Gilbert Tom Reeney Western Conference