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Oh, Eugene…

January 23rd, 2011

I’ve never seen or heard an owner of an NHL team talk as much about doing something as Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk. And despite this, nothing ever seems to happen.

The amount of crap this guy spews out is truly amazing. I understand the differences between being a fan and an owner — even though Melnyk might not — and I understand Melnyk needs to remain positive to cool a tepid fan base. But here’s the thing: no one is holding a gun forcing Melnyk to mention the “S-word.” (the Stanley Cup).

The following is a direct quote from Melnyk in a recent interview with the Ottawa Sun’s Bruce Garrioch from Sunday:

“We’re going to do what it takes to bring the Stanley Cup to Ottawa, whether it takes one, three or five years. It will happen. You have my commitment.”
- Eugene Melnyk, Ottawa Senators owner and All-Star quote machine

I can’t even make this stuff up. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not an NHL owner. This is a fan with nice suits and good perks. I can’t think of another NHL owner who talks this much about doing something without any follow up actions. Eugene, your team is currently 27th in the league. Even the Leafs, the ‘bud’ of every draft joke, sit higher than the Senators. Now probably isn’t a good time to make Stanley Cup commitments.

Imagine next year’s 24/7 HBO special featured the Senators. The entire series could be dedicated to Melnyk’s “future plans.”

In this glorious interview, Melnyk goes on to say “At this time, it makes no sense to make managerial or coaching changes. We’ll let the season play itself out and look forward to building for the future.” Ummm… what?

I would argue this is a critical time for the Senators organization. This is the time for a the club to define what kind of rebuild they are going for – a massive one or a small one. I don’t think I’m alone when I say a massive overhaul is required. Even Melnyk should agree the issue with the Senators isn’t coaching. It’s the players. Four different coaches over the last four or five years should tell anyone that. I like what SensChirp said the other day: this is as close to tanking as a pro sports team can get.

Yes, this is a bit of a rant. I’ve never liked Melnyk’s bold statements. In fact I’m still “buckled up.” I’m all for owner’s believing in their teams, but Melnyk has clearly taken things to a new level. It’s one thing when your team is a legitimate Stanley Cup contender, or at least a playoff bound team. It’s quite another when you are sitting at the bottom of the league. You don’t see the Islanders or Devils talking about Lord Stanley. Melnyk needs to quit the Daniel Alfredsson School of Guarantees as quickly as possible. It’s getting embarrassing for fans.

Ahhh, it’s official. It’s rock bottom for the Senators. Maybe we all just need to chill out and grab a Huge Euge. Or maybe we, fans, need to see evidence of direction. Or both. Either way…

Stay classy, Eugene Melnyk. Less is more.

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Posted in Hockey Rants, NHL Commentary

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Boxing Day Equals World Junior Hockey

December 26th, 2010

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you all are having a great holiday season. You reading this means you got through Christmas Day with the in-laws and/or survived Boxing Day Shopping. And your holidays are only going to get better with the World Junior Hockey Championships starting later today!

At 3:30pm EST, Canada kicks things off against Russia while Finland plays USA at 8pm. I love the World Junior’s as much as the next hockey fan, however, I find the tournament seems to generate a certain amount of arrogance from Canadian hockey fans. It’s really weird.

Canadians aren’t arrogant about much, but I feel like many assume Canada is the only country that produces solid hockey players. I think there are several countries that are quickly becoming as good as Canada.

Click here to read Canadian Arrogance on The Score.

All that aside, enjoy the day and more importantly, enjoy the tournament. May the best team win.

Stay classy, World Junior Hockey lovers! Happy Holidays to you all.

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Posted in NHL Commentary

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Waffle Insight: A small chat with THE Waffle dude

December 22nd, 2010

In typical Burgundy fashion, I have another weird-ass story that treads on ‘WTF territory.’ Here we go…

It’s a normal Wednesday night in Toronto which means it’s cold, I’m tired and I’ve got hockey to play.

On a night that saw my team win, take over first place in our league and me scoring a hat trick (seriously – now I can coast like Alex Kovalev for the rest of the year with no questions asked!), something cooler happened. “But how, Burgundy, how? What could possibly have topped such an epic on-ice performance??”

Kevin Burgundy and the Waffle Man (with a waffle)

The picture is real but the waffle might not be. Well, maybe.

I met Joseph Robb. No big deal.

Who? Joseph Robb. You know, the Toronto Maple Leaf fan facing charges after throwing waffles onto the ice during the Leafs loss to the Atlanta Thrashers on Monday night. I’m not even kidding. Where did I meet him? At the local hockey rink of course. My God – Us Canadians are so cliche…

It seems MLSE hasn’t banned him from local hockey arena’s. Yet.

Some teammates and I were enjoying a post-game brewski (or five) after our big win when a few guys from another team entered the dressing room. If you aren’t familiar with unspoken beer league hockey rules, it’s customary to “kick out” the team using the dressing room before you. It’s basically one group of guys telling the other group “Alright, we’ve waited long enough. Get out so we can get dressed for our game.”

As we were leaving, Robb was the first of his team to enter the dressing room. A minute or two later, a few of his teammates jumped into the room with newspaper clippings and screenshots of TSN’s article. They explained (and proved) Robb was and is the waffle guy. Robb was celebrated in the room as though he just won the Stanley Cup. Or as if he was Brian Burke and actually fired Ron Wilson.

Everyone was dying laughing. This man was and is a king!

Robb mentioned he had to take the day off work because his phone wouldn’t stop ringing with national media outlets, radio stations and sports shows all wanting to speak with him.

So I asked him a few more questions.

The obvious one: How did you get the waffles into the building?
He explained he snuck the waffle packages into the Air Canada Center under his coat when entering the arena prior to the game starting. He indicated the waffles (of the Eggo brand) thawed pretty quickly.

Editor’s note: I’m kind of impressed he held onto the waffles for so long (He threw the waffles on the ice in the 3rd period, when the score reached 5-1 for the Thrashers).

The next obvious question: Why did you throw the waffles?
He said he wanted to make a statement. That statement – That he’s tired of the Leafs losing most of their games and playing “like shit.” He couldn’t stress enough how big a fan he is of the Leafs. He wants a better team to cheer for. Tough to blame him there.

Some other bits of info of Toronto’s newest Hero:

  • The beer Robb is holding in the picture above is from my hockey team. It was our last beer and we figured he earned it.
  • According to Robb, he “had to” take the day off work to deal with the amount of phone calls he’s received from friends, family and national news outlets. He said his parents were slammed with phone calls from reporters all day too.
  • A US-based radio station offered to fly Robb to their studio Thursday morning for an in-person interview. He declined because he had a hockey game to play on Wednesday night.Editor’s note: That’s amazing. What a true Canadian.
  • The local bar near Robb’s home apparently has a picture of him with the newspaper clipping that patron’s have cheered for and celebrated since being put up. The picture was brought to the bar by Robb’s father.
  • Robb has been contacted by several Toronto-based lawyers who’ve all offered their services for free on account of “[the pending charges are] total bullshit.” (Sorry for the language – according to Robb, it’s official lawyer-speak).
  • Robb is unsure of his next move, however, he acknowledged it would be wise to keep a low profile for the time being.

Stay classy, Joseph Robb. I hope your crown bares some waffle-like characteristics.

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Posted in Classy Interviews

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Hockey players aren’t meant to do hot yoga

December 12th, 2010

I haven’t shared a story in a while. Yeah, one of those stories. I don’t force these kinds of stories, but it’s like I’m on this streak of embarrassing situations unfolding no matter what I do. Anyways I have a good one to share from this weekend. Or not so good, blah — whatever — here goes nothing.

Hockey players definitely aren't meant to do this

This story comes courtesy of a buddy of mine from hockey. He’s from Calgary and is a Flames fan. (Let’s not judge him just yet though.) For the sake of this story, he’ll be known as Flames guy. Before we get started you should know that “getting” sports or anything athletic has always come easy for me. I’m in good shape and am physically active.

Flames guy has been trying to get me to try hot yoga with him for months. I finally agreed to trying it figuring yoga would help me and my 60-year old back. He’s a pretty fit guy and said it helped loosen him up, so I said Why not, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

Famous. Last. Words.

On Saturday I joined Flames guy at hot yoga. We both brought our girlfriends too. (Brilliant, Kev.)  Before this momentous occasion I enjoyed a power breakfast consisting of coffee and whatever cereal I could find in the cupboard. Oh, and on weekends I swap cream with Baileys in my coffee. (Good one, Kev.)

The four of us got to yoga and entered the yoga room, studio-place-thing… and it felt like an inferno. I now know how Indiana Jones felt in the Temple of Doom. Flames guy warned me not to wear a shirt since the 90 minute class will have me dripping in sweat. That didn’t register for a second or two. Then it did, prompting me to quiver a “Uhhh, did you say 90 minutes??”

Within minutes of starting yoga I was sweating more than I ever have in my entire life. More than my NHLPA interviews this past summer. More than any hockey game I’ve played in. One particular exercise had us holding our arms out straight. I could see sweat dripping off my fingers and arms like I was having a shower. My stomach was feeling pretty rough after 30 minutes. Suddenly that power breakfast which was delicious an hour and a half ago (lesson number one kids: don’t eat less than three hours before hot yoga) didn’t feel like such a good idea. I continued with the exercises trying to tough it out. There weren’t any clocks in the inferno/Temple of Doom so I kept telling myself we were nearly done. (Silly mind tricks, Burgundy!)

Coach Reilly - Mighty Ducks Movie

My hot yoga instructor... what the hell???

You can probably guess where this is going. In addition to the inevitable vomit I felt coming, I started feeling incredibly dizzy and lightheaded. I left the Studio of Doom to do what I’d been trying not to do since the session started. I puked in the bathroom. A lot. As I was emptying my breakfast and soul into a bathroom sink, one of the instructors started knocking on the door and yelled that I’m “too young to quit… get back in there.” What the hell? Did that mean Hawks coach (coach Reilly) from the first Mighty Ducks movie have a sex change and start teaching hot yoga in Mimico, Toronto?

I gathered as much strength as I could and returned to the Temple of Doom. Not quite as triumphantly as Paul Kariya’s return in the Stanley Cup finals after a devastating Scott Steven’s hit, but still kind of epic. Well, for me at least. Although puking damaged my pride, I didn’t feel as dizzy. Considering how smashed my ego already was, I figured this was a fair tradeoff.

(Umm… this story gets kind of gross now. That’s your warning).

Round two of hot yoga started and I was doing okay for a bit. That changed quickly towards the end of the session when we started doing heavy breathing exercises. (Sidenote: who the hell does heavy breathing exercises anyways?!)  The breathing proved to be too much. As the session ended, I felt vomit come up my throat and into my mouth. People were leaving the Temple of Doom and I was at least a few minutes away from getting to the bathroom again. I swallowed the vomit. A temporary fix at best. Then one of the instructors came to speak with me to see if I was okay. It was a nice gesture but I needed to get out of the Inferno as quickly as possible. I felt puke come up my throat again. She asked if I was going to throw up. That was the nail in the coffin – now she had me thinking (even more) about throwing up. I tried to swallow the encore vomit but I couldn’t. I threw up all over myself, the shirt Flames guy warned me not to wear and my towel. My towel!

Flames guy was dying from laughing. I was dying from yoga.

Only one shower was left by the time we got back to the dressing room. Flames guy was kind enough to let me have it. I entered the shower fully clothed since my yoga outfit needed a lot of cleaning. After washing myself off, Flames guy and I were talking. I don’t completely remember this part, but I believe he said something to the effect of “I’ll let you tell the story to the [hockey team].” I laughed and said “Thanks. I’ll wait until most of the guys show up.”

On my way out of Hell the instructors checked again to see if, you know, I was still alive. They told me it’s common for people to feel like they might faint or pass out in the first session… or perhaps throw up… I’m pretty sure they were just saying that though. They went on to tell me that most men are guilty of trying to do too much in their first hot yoga class, assuming that was the case with me. I had to cut them off. That simply wasn’t the case. I told them “I wasn’t trying to do too much. In fact, I was trying to find ways to do even less. This just kicked my ass.” In all seriousness, this hot yoga stuff broke me down. It was pretty humbling.

My conclusion: Hockey players aren’t meant to do hot yoga. Now I have to tell this story to my hockey buddies tomorrow night. Wish me luck.

Stay classy, hot yoga. You totally owned me.

P.S – This post was the 500th blog in Stayclassy history. Wow.

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Posted in Other, Self Deprecation

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Epic Story: How San Jose drafted Logan Couture

December 9th, 2010

You might have recently thought “Hey, that Logan Couture guy is pretty good. The Sharks are lucky to have him.” I know I’ve thought this on many occasions over the last few weeks.

Logan Couture - San Jose Sharks

Then for some reason, you get this bizarre urge to find out Couture’s draft year. You eventually determine he was the ninth overall selection during the 2007 NHL Entry Draft in Columbus. In an effort to look smart (read: not stupid), you nod your head in approval thinking ninth overall sounds about right.

But hold on for one second!

You recall the San Jose Sharks being a very good team during the 2007 NHL season. Your brain reaches a logical conclusion that there’s no way the Sharks could have had a draft pick that high that year.

Suddenly you are very confused. A team who finished with the fifth most points in the league during the 2007 season ended up drafting a player ninth overall later that summer.

Wait. Come again. What just happened?

It all started on draft day, June 22, when the San Jose Sharks traded forward Mark Bell and goalie Vesa Toskala to the Toronto Maple Leafs (sorry for the reminder Leafs fans) in exchange for Toronto’s first and second round picks (Lars Eller, 13th overall and Aaron Palushaj, 44th overall, respectively) in the 2007 draft, and a fourth round draft pick in 2009 (Craig Smith).

Hey – Maybe this is still one of those “wait and see” kinds of trades. Nevermind. Neither player has suited up for the Leafs in some time. Maybe John Ferguson, Jr. was desperate to acquire a starting goalie to make up for trading Tuukka Rask to Boston a year earlier for Andrew Raycroft. And he was adding a power forward in Bell at the same time too. Sounds reasonable enough, right? Nevermind that too. Maybe JFJ lost faith in the draft system after taking Jiri Tlusty 13th overall in the 2006 draft when Claude Giroux ended up going 22nd overall. Anyways…

Following the deal with the Leafs, the Sharks promptly traded those first and second round picks (Eller and Palushaj) to the St. Louis Blues for their ninth overall pick in the 2007 draft. Of course, that pick ended up being Logan Couture from the Ottawa 67’s.

Ouch.

For those keeping track, the Sharks managed to rid themselves of Mark Bell and Vesa Toskala for Logan Couture, a serious 2010-2011 Calder trophy candidate, and all it cost them was a fourth round pick in the 2009 draft.

Did you hear that noise just now? I think that was the sound of several thousand Leafs fans smashing their face into their keyboards.

There are some teams that flat out rob others during draft weekends. While most of the hockey world was busy watching the Chicago Blackhawks pick Patrick Kane first overall, the Sharks quietly stole one of the best talents available in the 2007 draft for close to nothing… unless you consider Craig Smith something of a big deal.

- – -

Some interesting notes from the 2007 draft:

  • 2007 was the first time two American-born players were selected first and second overall in NHL draft history (Kane picked by Chicago and James van Riemsdyk picked by Philadelphia).
  • The Colorado Avalanche selected Kevin Shattenkirk, one of the more promising rookies this year, 14th overall.
  • Whether the accompanying pressure is fair or not, Lars Eller ended up being a key piece of the Jaroslav Halak trade to the Blues last summer.
  • The Toronto Maple Leafs did not make a first or second round selection in this draft (sounds familiar… where have I heard this story before?). In fact, their first selection of that weekend came when they took Dale Mitchell 74th overall in the third round. Yeah…
  • Montreal selected P.K. Subban 43rd overall, one pick ahead of Palushaj.
  • With the 97th overall pick, the Edmonton Oilers drafted a Swedish-born forward who would later become a YouTube shootout sensation and one of the top players in the American Hockey League in the 2010-2011 season. That player, Linus Omark, makes his NHL debut on Friday night against the Tampa Bay Lightning.

 

Stay classy, Logan Couture.

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Posted in NHL Commentary

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The Kadri Experiment

December 6th, 2010

In Victoria, British Columbia on business. Nice city. Best part is the insane selection of local beers. I’m watching the beer menu like a dingo watches a baby.

Anyway, now that I have some time, I thought I would weigh in on the Leafs. Am I missing something, or has Burke totally lost his mind?

Nazem Kadri - Toronto Maple LeafsLet’s recap how goofy this season has already become. In October, Nazem Kadri finds himself not good enough to make the Big Show. Fast forward to November, with the Leafs in the midst of a slump only fourteen games into the new season and nursing a seven game losing streak. Burke calls Kadri up to centre the Number One line, between Phil Kessel and Clarke MacArthur (uh…who?).

Seriously? I this what the Leafs have come to? Has Burke finally gone off the deep end? This sounds an awful like shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic. By December, Kadri is demoted back to the fourth line, and Kessel is now the centre on the top line.

I’m starting to feel sorry for Kadri. First you’re not good enough. Go back to the minors and work on your development. Wait, no, come back. We really need you. You can help save the season. No pressure, but we’ll put you in as the number one centre. Just score a few goals and help us salvage our season! Remember, there is no pressure!

Hold on, actually, you’re not that good. Don’t worry, we’ll put you on…hold on…let me think about this….how about the fourth line?! Yeah, that’s the ticket! You’re important to us! Don’t let your confidence fade! You’re good! Really!!! Just not good enough! At least we didn’t send you back down…

This kid is going to need some serious therapy after this season just to regain his sanity. The Leafs have all but killed this kid’s confidence before he gets a chance to even get rolling. Say what you will about Jacques Martin keeping Jason Spezza in the minors to develop when Spezza thought he was ready to play in the NHL. Was Spezza helped or harmed by this move? A debatable point for sure, but certainly he was never put into the same predicament as Kadri. With that much pressure on a young player, Kadri was essentially set up for failure.

Stay classy, Nazem Kadri. At least try to keep your sanity….

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Hatin’ on Cory Clouston… really?!

December 5th, 2010

It’s finally happened – The Ottawa Senators are crappy again. Sort of. But they had a great run for well over 10 years, and all the winning has finally caught up to them.

Chris Kelly of the Ottawa Senators.

People act like they are surprised, but they shouldn’t be. This happens to all franchises in any sport. Most organizations don’t win as much or for as long as the Senators did and fans have gotten a little too accustomed to it. There are 29 other NHL teams that want to win too. Some of them are now in their “window” of opportunity.

In Ottawa’s case, we’re starting to see some lean years again. Roster holes a popping up a bit more and games are getting harder and harder to win. With that comes pessimistic attitudes and questions directed towards players, management and of course, coaches.

Enter: Cory Clouston. And people calling for his head. Really? Really. Unfortunately. Here’s a guy that’s done nothing but win since he arrived to the big show. And some still want him fired, despite the roster he’s been given. How about the GM? Some of Bryan Murray’s decisions have been controversial and certainly impacted Clouston’s ability to win. My two cents: Don’t hire a coach who has one style and sign players who play another.

The point of this rant? I wrote an article earlier this afternoon for The Score about Cory Clouston. I feel like he’s the last thing that needs changing in Ottawa. Basically I’m defending his honour with cool swords and mighty words.

Click here to read it.

Feel free to comment if you agree/disagree. It would be awesome to get some healthy Senators-based discussion going on “Houses of The Hockey.” Sometimes it’s all Leaf discussions and that kind of makes me want to throw up.

Please help me avoid throwing up, friends. As always…

Stay classy, Cory Clouston.

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Posted in Hockey Rants, NHL Commentary

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Some Random Hockey Thoughts

November 20th, 2010

Good evening.

I’m not very good at remembering to post links to my other (less ridiculous) work. So instead I’m going to post several links below with the hope that you read them, as well as the promise that I’ll try to update these links daily on Stayclassy. Anyways…

I’d like to bring your attention to some random hockey thoughts I recently wrote. The thoughts concern Carey Price’s strong play this year and how I think it’s masking how badly the Montreal Candiens screwed up the Jaroslav Halak trade, in addition to whether Steve Stamkos can hit the 70 goal plateau this year (for the record, I put this up before everyone else started the 50-50 club talk… followers!) and the sweet, sweet irony of Marc Savard’s eventual return to Boston (hint: it’s going to affect both Greg and Colin Campbell).

Read the whole thing here.

—

As well, I wrote about the former 2007 2nd overall pick James van Riemsdyk and why I think he could be the odd man out in Philadelphia sooner than later. There doesn’t seem to be room for him, considering the strong group of forwards the Flyers have (in addition to the emergence of Claude Giroux). If (and that’s a big if) the Flyers traded JVR, I believe they could get some salary cap relief, in addition to a mid-late 1st round draft pick.

Read “James van Riems-Trade” here.

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Lastly, when you think of teams who sign their core players to long-term contracts, you think of the Chicago Blackhawks, Philadelphia Flyers and Pittsburgh Penguins. Obviously the Penguins and Blackhawks are recent Stanley Cup Champions, while the Flyers came pretty close too. And then you have the Vancouver Canucks who have locked up their core players, minus the same kind of results as the teams I mentioned. Interesting. And then you see “buzz teams” like the St. Louis Blues and Los Angeles Kings doing the same thing, with even less results than the Canucks. NHL General Managers are in a tough place these days.

Read “Long-Term Faith” here.

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And one final note today… RIP Pat Burns. Burns was a terrific coach who made such a huge impact wherever he went. The hockey world lost an amazing ambassador yesterday.

Stay classy, Pat Burns.

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Posted in NHL Commentary

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Pro NHL Conduct Tips

November 18th, 2010

Already in this young NHL season, we’ve seen some pretty questionable conduct across the league. Whether it’s players, teams, journalists (ha ha, yeah, imagine that!) or league officials, it seems like at one point or another, people have forgotten how to conduct themselves.

Two of the NHL's "rockstars" Colin Campbell and New York Islanders GM Garth Snow.

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (I mean, anyone who “drunk-tweets” with as much regularity as me isn’t exactly perfect…), but since I consider myself classy, I think it’s semi-appropriate to establish several pro NHL conduct tips. So here we go:

  • If fan expectations ever seem too unreasonable, such as challenging for the playoffs or generally not being the laughing stock of the league, it’s important to know you can reset such expectations by registering two shots on goal in three shooting attempts during a shootout or by beating up a fan for no real reason.
  • If a well-known and respected writer fairly criticizes your team and it’s direction, pull all their official credentials. Not only will this teach the writer not to disagree with you in the future, but by cutting off this one person’s access, no one will ever know — much less discuss — if your team is struggling or making bad decisions anymore! Brilliant!
  • If a slightly younger NHL player doesn’t respect you enough, voice your opinion to anyone with a microphone who’s willing to listen. Since you are a grown man and all, know that the fatal “Sticks and stones will break my bones” rhyme probably wasn’t ever true anyways.
  • Try not to throw your own teammate under the bus through the media, even though he totally deserves it. Just continue to let other teams make jerkoff motions to him. If done correctly, this will eventually teach him his lesson…
  • In order to ensure your confidential emails don’t become subject of national headlines and embarrassment, it’s suggested you capitalize your “I’s” as well as start all sentences with capital letters. Also, it’s encouraged that you express full thoughts with complete sentences that actually make sense. Alternatively, you could avoid tarnishing your already questionable reputation by not sending absurdly stupid emails in the first place. Just a thought though.

Stay classy, poorly conducted NHL pro’s.

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Posted in NHL Commentary, NHL Humour

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Things NHL.com stats didn’t tell me

November 15th, 2010

Sometimes when I get bored I look up stats of NHL stars or young up-and-comers to see how they progressed through their minor league careers and into the NHL. In some cases NHL.com has stats going as far back as Bantam and Midget for some players. For example, take a look at Taylor Hall’s minor hockey stats:

Taylor Hall's minor league stats. How hilarious is that top year in Kingston? 85 points in 29 games? Bahaha!

I find it amusing to see how dominant players like this were in very good AA and AAA leagues, prior to hitting Juniors. And that’s when it hit me. Looking at stats like this, it doesn’t give you the full picture of a player. It doesn’t tell the whole story. It’s almost like there’s a need for advanced information… or better yet, advanced stats!!! (Dun-dun-dunnnn).

And thus, here’s some examples of things NHL.com stats didn’t tell me:

  • Nazem Kadri – As you would expect, Kadri’s stats are impressive. While it’s hard to be critical of a guy who regularly scores more points than games played, I’m not seeing any numerical figures for how many times Kadri will say he believes he’s ready for the NHL after no visible change in attitude, demeanor or play.
  • Taylor Hall – Looking at Hall’s stats (see the image above), you’ll see this kid is a star. He’s been a star at every level he’s ever played at. What the stats don’t say is how good of an impersonator he is. Taylor’s stats this season show a damn good Shawn Horcoff impression, but I’m ready to see Hall play himself.
  • Garth Snow – Everything about Snow’s stats reveal he’s an independent thinker who comes to conclusions and decisions on his own. However, the stats don’t say that the Islanders are being run any differently with him “managing the club” then before he was part of the organization…
  • Drew Doughty – I think Doughty’s stats are great, but to be honest, I can’t be certain. Every time I try to view his stats, this annoying pop up comes on my screen and says “You are limited to 2 views of this player per year because of local blackout restrictions.”
  • Brett Sutter – The weirdest thing happened when I looked at Brett Sutter’s stats. I actually thought GP stood for “glasses purchased,” A for “assaultings,” P for “pints” and PIM for “punching incidents (while) messed up.”
  • Marc Savard – According to his stats, Marc Savard has been a point-per-game player at virtually every level he’s ever played at. Unfortunately, there appears to be no evidence that he was ever “not a pussy.” **
    ** Quote from the NHL’s Wheel of Justice guy.
  • Andrei Markov – OK. I looked pretty hard in Markov’s stats for any kind of injury warnings, but I didn’t find anything beyond “skates very well for a guy who’s right knee is made of glass and silly putty.”
  • Gregory Campbell – While stats tell me Campbell is a secondary/checking scorer who takes the odd penalty here and there, there was no count on how many times his father complained and sent nasty emails about minor stick infractions on Greg’s behalf.

And there you have it! Perhaps there is a need for advanced stats in hockey. Hmmmm. Even after I just finished saying otherwise. Damn me!

Stay classy, advanced hockey stats.

P.S – To read a serious blog I wrote earlier today (I’m on a tear, I know), check out “Long-Term Faith” on The Score. It’s an article about locking up core players far earlier than teams want to and the differences between teams like the Blackhawks and Penguins, and the Vancouver Canucks. It’s probably the best thing you’ll read today. Well, maybe. Thanks!

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Posted in NHL Humour

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