For the longest time, I thought that the annual goaltender controversy in Ottawa was just a coincidence. But fortunately, I recently stumbled upon the Ottawa Senators Internal Strategic Planning document, and as it turns out, it’s not such a coincidence after all. From chapter 4, entitled “The False Sense of Doom to Re-create Excitement and Sell More Tickets Once the Team Starts Winning Again.”

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Here in Ottawa, we have a proud goaltending history. Some goaltenders have been so proud to hear they were traded to Ottawa that they actually shed a few tears. And if Damian Rhodes ever says otherwise, he has no proof, so there.

As a team, both on and off the ice, the goaltending is essential to our success as an organization. They are, after all, the gatekeepers of the net. Beyond that, they play a tremendous role in keeping the fans happy. Traditionally, we have always asked our goaltenders to be model citizens, so as to avoid altercations when they are faced with obscenities being hurled at them by irrate fans.

As part of the Strategic Plan for the Ottawa Senators, we have introduced a new practice to help sell more tickets and merchandise. Annually, we roll-out a plan so devious that if other organizations were to learn of its existence, we are unsure they would be able to even successfully implement it (attached as Appendix A is a Case Study called “Brian Burke and Goaltender Controversies; an Exercise in Futility”). The following is a step-by-step process to utilize the Annual Goaltender Controversy.

With the 82-game season that the NHL currently employs, most fans are aware that franchises will suffer through the occasional losing streak. It is at this point that we tend to make a knee-jerk reactionary move. Sometimes it’s a trade. Sometimes it’s a firing. Essentially, we take this opportunity to purge ourselves of something we don’t like as much as we used to. The logic behind this is that attention is deferred away from front office, management, coaching staff, and overpaid players.

Generally speaking, a decline is usually allowed to continue for a few more days. In Ottawa, we like to use this opportunity to ‘convince’ our starting goaltender that a few soft goals may not be such a bad idea. Once mainstream media analysis of the soft goals is complete, the coach is made aware that he is to play the back-up goaltender, or, if possible, an unproven AHLer. Logically, it is as this point that the goaltender puts on a somewhat stellar performance. We usually ask for a shutout, but a GAA under 2.00 is also acceptable. Future successes might also include the first hat-trick from a goaltender in franchise history.

At the Senators organization, we are very proud of our local media coverage of the team. It is at this point that we call on that media to overhype and overuse the term “goaltender controversy.” The kickbacks vary for using this term, but it should be noted that many media are simply able to reprint stories from previous seasons, and just replace names and scores.

If done successfully, the goaltender controversy creates antipathy at first, and eventual excitement. As an organization, we rely heavily on this time of year to (a) purge ourselves of employees who aren’t pulling their weight; (b) ensure there is more coverage of the team in the local media, and (c) sell dozens of t-shirts and jerseys with the names of our various goaltenders.

Next Chapter: The Use of the Terms “Upper and Lower Body” and How to Effectively Differentiate the Two.

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