Place the emphasis on pleasure and empowerment, and collegiettes everywhere should be having positive hook-up after positive hook-up. Knowing and embracing why hook-ups can leave women feeling crappy is the first step to reversing the curse. Satisfying hook-ups are totally possible; they just take more than the right motivation and a sex-positive attitude, so read on to find out the things you need to keep in mind in order to have hook-ups you can feel great about.
The biggest key to ensuring a hook-up that will leave you feeling good is to self-assess. That may sound boring — who wants to do homework before getting down and dirty? Your well-being prospers when your behavior is consistent with your true desires, attitudes, values and beliefs.
The same, she says, holds true for casual sex. Vrangalova says there are also several personal things to consider before determining if hooking up is right for you. She suggests evaluating yourself before setting out to hook up, taking into consideration your motivations for hooking up, how easily you get and stay aroused, how easily you get attached to sexual partners and how good you are at communicating your desires.
Plain and simple, a reason why a hook-up might leave you feeling mentally poor is because a hook-up left you feeling physically poor. And unfortunately, dissatisfaction from hook-ups is all too common for women. In a study presented at the International Academy of Sex Research, researchers found that out of college students, women were twice as likely to orgasm during sex in serious relationships as they were during casual hook-ups.
One possible explanation for this is that orgasms are the result of communication, and it is much easier to tell a long-term partner exactly how to please you than it is to tell a stranger. Not to mention, alcohol is often a factor in college hook-ups, and drunk sex can be sloppy sex not exactly an equation for pleasure. Speaking up for your pleasure has its place in hook-ups, not just long-term relationships. Go into your hook-ups planning to communicate. We get it—a lot of the time, the point of a hook-up is to have a random, one-time fling, but not all hook-up candidates are created equal.
You should seek out a partner who will leave you feeling appreciated and secure. No one says your one-night stand has to be dating material, but according to Dr. There's a hierarchy of seriousness on the dating sites. At the top is something like Guardian Soulmates or Match — the ones you pay for. You put in your pictures and add some information if you can be bothered. I started with one line "Single Canadian girl in London". It's superficial, based purely on physical attraction, but that's what I was looking for.
You go through what's there, if you see someone you like, you swipe right. If he swipes you too, it lights up like a game, then asks if you want to keep playing. My first Tinder date was with someone I'd seen before on OKCupid — the same faces crop up on all these sites.
He knew all the cool restaurants, the best places and, as he was only in London occasionally, things moved faster than they should have. After just a few dates, he booked us a night in a fancy Kensington hotel.
I met him at a pub first — liquid courage — and knew the second I saw him that my heart wasn't in it. The connection wasn't there for me. Not a great start. But Tinder is addictive. You find yourself browsing and swiping and playing on.
The possibilities pile up. I'm ashamed to say it but I sometimes went on three or four dates a week. It could be to a bar around the corner, or somewhere fabulous — Berner's Tavern, the Chiltern Firehouse.
Most of the guys I met were looking for sex, rarely were they after a relationship. With Tinder, I discovered what it could be to have sex then walk away without a backward glance.
Sex didn't have to be wrapped up with commitment, and "will he? It could just be fun. Sometimes I had nothing in common with the guy but there was a sexual spark.
In "real life", he was the ultimate knob. He didn't fit with my politics, my views, I'd never have introduced him to my friends. In bed, though, he was passionate, eager, energetic. For a while, we'd hook up every six weeks. But there were a lot of negatives. It could feel … seedy. Where do you go for sex?
I didn't feel comfortable taking someone back to my place, as he'd then know where I lived, and I live alone. If we went back to his, I'd have no idea what to expect. With "Aldgate East", we had to walk through a pub to get to the bedroom and I swear there was a train going through the lounge.
You're trusting people you barely know. After a few dates with "Manchester", I agreed to visit his hotel room next time he was in London. I'd always been diligent about practising safe sex, but he had trouble getting in the mood with the condoms and went against my wishes at the last moment. The next morning I wrote him an angry text. I've never felt so violated. Most often, though, I didn't have sex at all. I generally left home open to the possibility but found, when my date showed up, that I didn't want to see him again, let alone see him naked.
There was no spark, or he was dull or gross or just too pushy. One date chased me to the tube trying to shove his tongue down my throat. Another — who started promisingly — changed after his second drink, spilling a glass of wine on me without apologising, and cutting me off each time I spoke.
It can be harder to walk away when you've met through Tinder. When you're matched, you can spend days — in some cases, weeks, months — exchanging messages, texting and working yourselves up, filling in the gaps with your imagination.
By the time you meet, you've both invested so much, you've raised your hopes and his. In some ways Tinder can even work against you finding a partner. I met one guy who was a likely contender for a boyfriend. We went on five dates without sex, just a kiss and a hug....