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I now know that he, a narcissistic abuser, is incapable of reciprocating love in a wholesome form — they are only looking to benefit themselves. Abuse, anger, threats, intimidation , lies, hypocrisy, projection. Now, the irony is, I am not a submissive type at all. I consider myself quite resilient and intolerant to being mistreated.
However, my ex abuser really had me confused, and I later realized this was a very common experience among other abuse recipients. The purpose of doing that is to excuse the abuse that occurred, and also to instil hope that the abuser has good intentions after all. It was always at the times when I was convinced my ex was being abusive where he would throw in his speckles of kindness and affection. I recall a day when my ex and I had a public altercation, which led me to break down in tears and hurry to go back to my home.
We went to my home together. Once back at my home, his previous hostile attitude turned soft. While I was crying and rather traumatized, he began apologizing and caressing me lovingly. He then started trying to pleasure me in erotic ways while I was in that traumatized state.
It was extremely strange and confusing, but I wanted to believe that he was sincere and really cared. I accepted his apology. Reacting to the abuse and defending myself was a way he could manipulate things and blame me. Defending myself always resulted in me apologizing to him for causing him distress.
Gaslighting was a way for him to deflect from the fact that he was abusing me. At the discard stage, like a typical abuser, his attitude towards me became the exact opposite of the Idealize stage. Go back to whoring yourself. The reason for this is because the abuser needs new supply to fuel his ego— a destroyed lover is useless for his ego that constantly needs inflating — so as such he will seek out a new supply a person to idealize.
He was very convincing in the love-bombing stages where he went to all lengths to convince me to take him back. He would send me money to prove he was serious in caring for me. He apparently wrote poetry about us. But more than anything, I had hope in who he claimed to be as a person.
He told me he suffered from severe anxiety and other mental health issues, which made me want to help him and not give up on him. I believed that he was sincere deep down, and I thought his own pain would make him a better person in the long run.
It was only until his repetitive abusive patterns became so apparent and destructive that his mask truly came off. Everything was a lie. Words truly mean nothing. The entire three years was a fraud. There was NO love at all. His intent was to destroy the confidence and strength I built for myself, which he lacked and craved.
For a sociopath, the gain is sex, power and ego. They wallow in self-hatrid. The sad part is a sociopath cannot overcome their insecurities. It is normal to have low self-esteem and insecurities — but there are wholesome ways to gain confidence. I knew my ex was insecure, which is why I loved him and wanted to care for him. I thought he was simply a product of his circumstances and was battling to be become a better person in a healthy way.
I thought loving him and showing my affection would help him. This simply never worked because he was devoid of emotion. He was incapable of introspection, incapable of empathy.
His true character was hidden, so I fooled myself in the end by thinking compassion could cure him. Normal people do not destroy others to fuel their self-worth.
His love-bombing tactics were all a ploy to get me to lower my guard and trust him again, which would make me consent to giving my body for love. Falsely claiming love and promising a woman a future security to get sex is an utmost cowardly act. Fearing to trust anyone.
The negative physical effects of emotional trauma and pain. What a woman should feel the most excited for is now something that fills her with fear and pain. I worry more about other women that experienced what I went through. What is the fate of women who have been harmed and whom cannot cope without numbing their pain?
How many women react in self-destructive ways in response to being harmed by an abuser? Most abused women I met suffered severely from being harmed by others.
Many develop a very poor self-image and self -esteem. Often, they get plastic surgery or take drastic cosmetic measures to appear more superficially beautiful. They end up attracting the same type of shallow, unempathtic, conformist jerk. In some extreme cases, some women will seek revenge on all men, thus perpetuating the cycle of abuse. So how does one cope with just feeling the pain raw? Take care of your soul.
Your soul is a garden that needs proper care and nourishment. It takes time, it will hurt, but you will heal. For any male reader — if you are wondering why some women are starting to view ALL men with fear and mistrust, ask yourself WHY did she become this way?
I completely denounce Feminism, because indeed good and decent men do exist. However, the abusers are giving decent men a bad name. The normalization of sociopathy and soulless attitudes needs to be exposed. Silence only allows harm to continue, which, in the end, hurts everyone in society. Many years ago I used to work with other escorts. I noticed a sad phenomenon that, back then, made no sense to me. But now, I understand those women. I understand why they tolerated abuse — trauma bonding.
I understand why so many became went from vibrant souls to empty shells — depression, addiction, post-traumatic stress disorder, hyper vigilance ie: I understand now the behavior of so many fellow escorts I used to know. After many months of absence, she came back to the brothel.
She was no longer the vibrant flower — her eyes, once alive and filled with life, clearly indicated she was broken. She told us girls that she ended things with an abusive ex.
I remember when she broke down at the brothel in tears, when she began drinking excessively to numb the pain, when she broke down and confessed how she was suicidal. Broken women — these are the women who find themselves in prostitution. I justified the abuse. I made excuses for his abuse. Very typically, I believed things would get better. I blamed myself for defending myself. I thought his apologies would eventually become sincere. During the painful ending, earlier this year, my ex abuser was completely unmasked.
I feel disgusted and completely violated at realizing whom he truly was. Since his recent abusive episode which resulted in our ending, he has since attempted to repeat the whole cycle of abuse again — -apologizing, telling me he will change, pretending to care about my well-being. The mask is off.
The pattern of his abuse taught me that whenever I began to heal, he wanted to reappear in my life only to break me down again. Nothing fuelled his ego more than breaking down a strong, resilient woman like myself by exploiting her biggest strength: In my religion, Islam, we have a saying for all situations that occur in life — we are thankful always in all circumstances good or bad. This was my fate, and I know this happened for the best of reasons.
Love is not supposed to harm. Love is uplifting and gives a sense of tranquility. Sadly, as noted in my blog, we live in a world where love is now grossly abused. The reasons are complex, and I hope to elaborate on this topic in further posts ie: How Porn has dehumanized women and enabled the normalization of exploitation. It can also help one refrain from going back to an abuser by explaining their false tactics of idealization, or guilt-tripping.
For my dear fellow prostitutes or readers , please feel free to share any experiences you have had with individuals who violated, abused or conned you.
How did you heal or cope? Or did you heal at all? Many prostitutes are very hard-headed and guarded due to being hurt, exploited and having little-to-no wholesome care. Being guarded, acting with indifference, self-destructive behavior, and not trusting are some resulting defence mechanisms. A wise prostitute, however, knows that NOT all men are the same — both good and bad exist.
Likewise, good and bad also exists in women. Listen you dumb whore. You opened your legs for money, so you are nothing more than the dust beneath shoes. It is your fault you are in this situation. You are a lazy woman who chooses this life, and you are too lazy to work hard like everyone else! You come from a broken home? You say you want out of this life? You are a shameless, disgusting whore, and that is all you will ever be. When the flower experiences this ambush of cruelty, she starts to wilt rapidly.
The water that nourished her slowly dries up, and the harmful force of salt keeps destroying the roots of her being. I never meant those words! Please forgive me, I have changed!
I realized how hurtful I was to you and those I care about. I know this life has not been easy for you. I was wrong to say those things before. Filed under Emotional Aspects Related to Escorting.
I remember in my early teens, I reunited with my Fa ther. He said words to me. Years later, as a prostitute, I would be in tears, crying on the floor. In those moments, I realized the difference between words and actions. If my Father loved me as he said, then why was I in this state?
What sort of fatherly love would leave me to face to world alone? How was he comfortable not protecting me? Below is a beloved Punjabi song with superb lyrics translated in English which highlights the abuse of love in modern society: In Addition, here is a beautiful Persian poem translated in English to inspire hope to the hopeless. A sincere thank you to the kind soul who shared this with me during hard times: The first client to profess serious love for me in terms of getting married was about 9 years ago.
This took place when I lived overseas. I had met this client James once, and then unknowingly I made such an impression that he very quickly became a frequent and generous regular client. He was very easy going, kind hearted and generous — so I quickly began to enjoy his company as a client.
Since he came to see me so frequently, I eventually became comfortable to go out with him publicly. We started going to dinners and theatrical shows together. But for him, it was much more. I was young and oblivious, however, to his intentions. It did not occur to me until later that he was spoiling me with the hopes of winning my heart. During this time, I had also met my ex-fiance as a client. My ex, however, was someone I truly felt connected too — and very quickly we became a couple and then started living together.
Once my ex and I started living together, I cut off all non-business communication with James. And very quickly, I decided to abruptly end business relations with him too. I was occupied with my ex, so I felt seeing James was too much time and effort. It was at this point, I was shocked to discover the hurt I, unknowingly, inflicted upon James — James had the idea that I was growing closer to him and we would settle together.
He started showing up at my home or at the brothel I worked at, waiting for me. I was startled and shocked, because I had zero feelings for him and only considered him like any other client —the only exception was that I was closer to him as a client because I saw him so frequently. James had the best of intentions, but he mistook my kindness for something serious, which made him panic when I suddenly dropped him.
Looking back in retrospect, I should have taken cues of his desire for me — and moreover, I should have stated early on how I was not interested in anything beyond a client-escort relationship. But again, I was young and knew nothing about matters of the heart, so I was innocently unaware. This was a huge learning lesson for me, and a lesson I still have to apply until today: This example with James occurred when I was very young. I have made mistakes and caused pain indeed.
And then the story of my ex-fiance and I — again, I was young and naive while I was with him. I did love him, but I was not sure of what I wanted through out our relationship.
I was scared to settle down so young with him, and for this reason, I tried to leave him numerous times early on in our relationship.
Out of love, I felt it was unfair to stay with him when my heart was not sure of what it wanted. But anytime I expressed my desire to leave him, I saw his eyes and felt like a Mother abandoning her child. This was my first true relation, so I did not know the rules or the consequences of love.
Fast forward two years, I ended up leaving him. He dreamt of marriage and family, and I killed that dream for him. It was all unintentional. Only years later, once I faced rejection myself, I realized how dangerous love is when there is no structure or morality to guide it.
It is hoped that one will eventually learn empathy the ability to consider the emotions of others which distinguishes them from childhood into adulthood. Sadly, some people have no sense of empathy — they kill souls and feel no remorse. But others learn through trial and error. I had to be the neglecter and be neglected myself to learn the valuable lesson of empathy in love: And so, there have been subsequent clients among the years who have expressed a one-sided admiration for me.
And out of deep fear of hurting their dear hearts and inflicting them with pain that can be lethal, I have to hurt them with honesty…. Tonight, a client just left my home. He is reading this, as I felt comfortable to tell him about my blog.
He is an all-round lovely, young man. Tonight, before he came to see me, he sent me two writing pieces he made about me. He wrote about me in the tone of love and admiration. But instead of feeling flattered, I felt concerned for his heart. Rather than applaud his efforts, I crushed his heart with the harsh tone of my bluntness: It was the cup I drank last week, filled with tea. The cup has a pink lipstick mark, my lipstick. He keeps the lipstick stained cup in his car as a memorabilia of me.
And in his writings, he writes about how my scent stays with him after he leaves my home. Am I supposed to feel flattered? I am sad for you. Sad for the situation. After learning from my past mistakes years ago, I have since become very blunt when I get an inkling that someone has feelings for me. So I said to him tonight, as I have numerous times in past meetings…. I understand his confusion. Yes, I can genuinely enjoy someones companionship, but that does not mean I desire them.
I tell him he must stop seeing me. Now, I feel bad for accepting his generosity. But I told early on, I have been honest. As an escort, I must be blunt, I cannot pretend to love a client to line my own pockets — that is heartless and apathetic.
I tell him that he has no choice but to accept the fact that I have no feelings for him outside a business relationship. I fear that he does not make this realization, but instead blames himself.
It is not him who is lacking at all — he must learn a lesson that many need to learn: There are reasons why people come together and why they part — it requires immense patience to see the spiritual importance of why people come into our lives, who remains and who departs. I cannot exploit his heart. I cannot exploit his generosity to benefit myself without thinking of how this affects him.
I have seen the abuse of love and its consequences. I have seen suicide resulting from false promises of love. Perhaps at best, it was just a glimpse of love. As a Muslim, I finally see how love is only granted when one follows the guidelines of Allah swt. Islam recognizes how love, when outside the responsibility of marriage, is often misused and leads to social chaos fitna. The other day I opened my door to an unfavorable surprise. I was expecting to meet a client whom I have never seen before.
But to my dismay, it was a former client who I had purposely been ignoring. This client, whom I have met before, had been trying unsuccessfully to meet me again for the past two years. At first, I ignored his calls. Then he got in contact with me by calling me from a new number, and so then I started to ignore his new number. Fast forward one year later, this week, he called me from an additional new number...
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