Archive for the ‘Self Deprecation’ category

Hockey players aren’t meant to do hot yoga

December 12th, 2010

I haven’t shared a story in a while. Yeah, one of those stories. I don’t force these kinds of stories, but it’s like I’m on this streak of embarrassing situations unfolding no matter what I do. Anyways I have a good one to share from this weekend. Or not so good, blah — whatever — here goes nothing.

Hockey players definitely aren't meant to do this

This story comes courtesy of a buddy of mine from hockey. He’s from Calgary and is a Flames fan. (Let’s not judge him just yet though.) For the sake of this story, he’ll be known as Flames guy. Before we get started you should know that “getting” sports or anything athletic has always come easy for me. I’m in good shape and am physically active.

Flames guy has been trying to get me to try hot yoga with him for months. I finally agreed to trying it figuring yoga would help me and my 60-year old back. He’s a pretty fit guy and said it helped loosen him up, so I said Why not, what’s the worst thing that could happen?

Famous. Last. Words.

On Saturday I joined Flames guy at hot yoga. We both brought our girlfriends too. (Brilliant, Kev.)  Before this momentous occasion I enjoyed a power breakfast consisting of coffee and whatever cereal I could find in the cupboard. Oh, and on weekends I swap cream with Baileys in my coffee. (Good one, Kev.)

The four of us got to yoga and entered the yoga room, studio-place-thing… and it felt like an inferno. I now know how Indiana Jones felt in the Temple of Doom. Flames guy warned me not to wear a shirt since the 90 minute class will have me dripping in sweat. That didn’t register for a second or two. Then it did, prompting me to quiver a “Uhhh, did you say 90 minutes??”

Within minutes of starting yoga I was sweating more than I ever have in my entire life. More than my NHLPA interviews this past summer. More than any hockey game I’ve played in. One particular exercise had us holding our arms out straight. I could see sweat dripping off my fingers and arms like I was having a shower. My stomach was feeling pretty rough after 30 minutes. Suddenly that power breakfast which was delicious an hour and a half ago (lesson number one kids: don’t eat less than three hours before hot yoga) didn’t feel like such a good idea. I continued with the exercises trying to tough it out. There weren’t any clocks in the inferno/Temple of Doom so I kept telling myself we were nearly done. (Silly mind tricks, Burgundy!)

Coach Reilly - Mighty Ducks Movie

My hot yoga instructor... what the hell???

You can probably guess where this is going. In addition to the inevitable vomit I felt coming, I started feeling incredibly dizzy and lightheaded. I left the Studio of Doom to do what I’d been trying not to do since the session started. I puked in the bathroom. A lot. As I was emptying my breakfast and soul into a bathroom sink, one of the instructors started knocking on the door and yelled that I’m “too young to quit… get back in there.” What the hell? Did that mean Hawks coach (coach Reilly) from the first Mighty Ducks movie have a sex change and start teaching hot yoga in Mimico, Toronto?

I gathered as much strength as I could and returned to the Temple of Doom. Not quite as triumphantly as Paul Kariya’s return in the Stanley Cup finals after a devastating Scott Steven’s hit, but still kind of epic. Well, for me at least. Although puking damaged my pride, I didn’t feel as dizzy. Considering how smashed my ego already was, I figured this was a fair tradeoff.

(Umm… this story gets kind of gross now. That’s your warning).

Round two of hot yoga started and I was doing okay for a bit. That changed quickly towards the end of the session when we started doing heavy breathing exercises. (Sidenote: who the hell does heavy breathing exercises anyways?!)  The breathing proved to be too much. As the session ended, I felt vomit come up my throat and into my mouth. People were leaving the Temple of Doom and I was at least a few minutes away from getting to the bathroom again. I swallowed the vomit. A temporary fix at best. Then one of the instructors came to speak with me to see if I was okay. It was a nice gesture but I needed to get out of the Inferno as quickly as possible. I felt puke come up my throat again. She asked if I was going to throw up. That was the nail in the coffin – now she had me thinking (even more) about throwing up. I tried to swallow the encore vomit but I couldn’t. I threw up all over myself, the shirt Flames guy warned me not to wear and my towel. My towel!

Flames guy was dying from laughing. I was dying from yoga.

Only one shower was left by the time we got back to the dressing room. Flames guy was kind enough to let me have it. I entered the shower fully clothed since my yoga outfit needed a lot of cleaning. After washing myself off, Flames guy and I were talking. I don’t completely remember this part, but I believe he said something to the effect of “I’ll let you tell the story to the [hockey team].” I laughed and said “Thanks. I’ll wait until most of the guys show up.”

On my way out of Hell the instructors checked again to see if, you know, I was still alive. They told me it’s common for people to feel like they might faint or pass out in the first session… or perhaps throw up… I’m pretty sure they were just saying that though. They went on to tell me that most men are guilty of trying to do too much in their first hot yoga class, assuming that was the case with me. I had to cut them off. That simply wasn’t the case. I told them “I wasn’t trying to do too much. In fact, I was trying to find ways to do even less. This just kicked my ass.” In all seriousness, this hot yoga stuff broke me down. It was pretty humbling.

My conclusion: Hockey players aren’t meant to do hot yoga. Now I have to tell this story to my hockey buddies tomorrow night. Wish me luck.

Stay classy, hot yoga. You totally owned me.

P.S – This post was the 500th blog in Stayclassy history. Wow.

My job interview with the NHLPA

August 11th, 2010

Disclaimer: Everything below is 100% true. I’ve never lied about anything on this site before and it wouldn’t make sense to start now. Ultimately you’ll just have to believe this story. It’s OK if you don’t but you should know I’m not getting anything out of telling the world I didn’t get a job.

About three months ago a recruiter contacted me about “a great marketing job.” Having just started another job, the thought of more meetings and interviews didn’t excite me. I blew off the recruiter several times without any hesitation. She kept following up and eventually told me her client was the NHLPA. Now she had my attention. Obviously I was willing to talk about meetings and interviews for a position within the NHLPA.

Apparently the recruiter had already made herself familiar with Stayclassy.net. It turns out a reader of this site knows her well, knew about the opportunity and recommended she speak with me. I’m totally serious too. During initial conversations with the recruiter, I wasn’t aware she’d seen and read the site.

The first official phone interview with the recruiter didn’t get off to a great start. For whatever reason, we just weren’t on the same page. About 20 minutes into the call, out of nowhere, she asked me about Stayclassy.net. I started to laugh and thought “Oh God, this opportunity is going to end quicker than an Atlanta Thrashers playoff series.” That was when I decided to pull a ‘George Costanza’ and literally do the exact opposite of everything I’d normally do. I figured I had nothing to lose and it would make for a funny story. (Note: Don’t mistake my attitude as reckless or care free. I wanted the job but I knew competition would be strong and probably have more experience than me. It was my intention to stand out by being different. I wanted to push the envelope since I already had a good job).

Several weeks later I found myself at the NHLPA’s headquarters in downtown Toronto interviewing with the Hiring Manager. The meeting was short but went well… and Stayclassy.net came up several times. (Note: It’s not that I’m embarrassed by the site – I’m not – It’s that the people interviewing me represent the players I regularly poke fun of. Awkward…). I kept thinking this couldn’t help my chances. Stayclassy’s content wasn’t discussed as much as my views on social media and online marketing. I was later told they liked me and wanted to introduce me to other NHLPA staff.

A few weeks later I was back at the PA’s office (by the way, they call themselves ‘The PA’). This time I was meeting with three new people, in addition to the Hiring Manager from the last interview. I was courted from one Director’s office to another. The first interview started with a simple question: “Kevin, what do you think of our website?” Using the Costanza methodology, I spent the next five minutes ripping it to pieces in sheer disgust. My attitude was well received (somehow). The Director told me he liked my critical perspective. Without flinching I cut him off saying “You didn’t ask me to come in and tell you what a great job you’ve done.” Much to my dismay, he was impressed. I couldn’t believe my luck. Even I thought my tone was a little too much. Perhaps the Costanza theory has merit after all…

For every hockey fan out there reading this, here’s a question for you: How much do you know about J.S. Giguere, Wade Belak, Mike Sillinger and Steve Sullivan off the ice? I was asked this very question. The interviewer wanted me to show I follow more than just on-ice stories. I did well because my life revolves around hockey and nothing else. I was then asked to discuss several trades that happened within the last few weeks. I talked about why I felt trading Jaroslav Halak before signing Carry Price was weird. He agreed. We then talked about how bizarre it must be to get traded (mostly because of Mike Sillinger and how often he was traded in his career).

Moving to the next interview, I saw an insane amount of Alex Ovechkin life-size cutouts, framed photos, books, hockey bags etc… around the office. In a lame attempt to stir up a laugh and break the ice, I said to one of the Directors “Is Ovechkin part of the interview process too?”

Dead silence. Not exactly a hit joke. Two of the Directors responded with a firm “NO.” I made a mental note not to attempt any more jokes while interviewing with the PA.

The next interview was a 2 on 1 and I won’t lie, it didn’t go well. Imagine Bryan McCabe fending off two skilled forwards – that basically describes my performance. It was one of those interviews that felt like I was on trial rather than a candidate of interest. I limped out of this interview assuming the dream was over. I concluded the morning by doing another interview with the Hiring Manager. He asked me what was going through my head at that exact moment. I told him I was thinking ahead to my rec hockey game later that evening and how I wanted to continue our winning streak.

About a week later I got feedback from the recruiter.

You’ve probably noticed this process took a long time with several weeks between interviews and news updates. This process was far longer than any job interview I’ve ever been involved with before. I’m not really sure why, although the summer is a very busy time for the PA. The playoffs just ended, unrestricted free agency had begun, Lou Lamiorello signed a ‘reasonable’ 17-year contract and the PA’s search for an Executive Director (ie Donald Fehr) was heating up (according to TSN).

That was a month or so ago. A few weeks passed and I was told I’d be moving forward to the final stage of interviews. This round of interviews would be with the Hiring Manager and the most senior person currently within the PA. For the sake of this story, he’ll be known as Head Dude. I was asked to submit a strategic report of what I would do in the role, how I would tackle various challenges and meet important deliverables. The report was due on Thursday July 22nd.

The next day, Friday July 23rd, I was scheduled to present my report to Head Dude. This was one of the hottest days of the summer. It was face-melting hot. I was a sweaty mess as I made my way into the PA’s office. Head Dude greeted me with great enthusiasm saying “Kevin, great to meet you. This way please” while guiding me to his office. He followed with “It’s a hot one outside today, eh?” With zero hesitation I responded with “Sure is hot, Head Dude. I’m sweating more than Cam Fowler on draft day.” There was a brief pause of silence, which felt like an eternity. Immediately I regretted making that joke. Truth is, it was completely unplanned. It came out of nowhere. Trembling with fear and nervousness I turned my head towards Head Dude. I was ready to be thrown out of their office. But much to my surprise – a recurring theme throughout this entire story – he erupted in laughter. I was so relieved.

We started to review my strategy document that he’d only read part of (which is fair since I submitted the 12-page report the evening before). Part of my plan was to promote NHL events in non-traditional ways to encourage fan engagement and greater connections between fans and players (courtesy of the NHLPA). I talked about how an opportunity was missed at the 2010 Winter Classic by not having Zdeno Chara show fans how to shoot pucks over the “Green Monster” (Fenway Park’s green homerun wall). I explained how the PA could use sponsors, players and fans to shoot pucks through Heinz Field field-goals for the 2011 Winter Classic. Head Dude busted into laughter, again. (Note: I’m not actually this funny. In fact I was a bit weirded out that someone with a great deal of power and authority was actually laughing at or with me. On second thought, it was probably at me). Head Dude’s laughter confused me because I was dead serious. I continued to explain my idea. He was still laughing but said “Kevin, you are crazy. This is interesting and ‘out of the box’, but it’s crazy.”

One thing you should understand about the PA. They were honest about a number of initiatives they had on the go. They were already working on a few of the ideas I approached them with and disclosed additional information for me to better position my talking points. When I spoke about the Winter Classic idea, they laughed and said it was creative. I left this interview as the ‘crazy marketer’ with some different ideas. I figured if the NHLPA wanted to do something different (or very different), I’d be their guy. Remember this whole approach was the only way I felt I could compete with candidates who probably had more experience than me.

On Tuesday July 27th I got an email from a close friend saying “Dude did you see [link included within the message]?” Not knowing what he was talking about, I opened the link. It was a video of the Pittsburgh Penguins hosting media and members of the Washington Capitals to promote the 2011 Winter Classic game (the video was shot earlier that day) at Heinz Field (Pittsburgh Steelers stadium where the Winter Classic was set to be played). And yes, they were shooting pucks through the stadium’s field-goal poles. My eyes fell out of their sockets. I could not believe what I was seeing. I immediately wondered if the PA was involved with this promotion. I was furious. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. “Did someone use my idea? Do I look less original?” I was in full panic-desperation mode – like Dean Lombardi was after missing out on Kovalchuk and signing Alex Ponikarovsky. (Note: Earlier this week I found out the PA was not involved with this event).

To wrap this long story up, things ended here. I had a series of great interviews with the NHLPA but they elected to go with the other, more experienced candidate. I have no problem with this. I wish the PA all the best. To their credit, the PA and Hiring Manager called me and gave me a full review of their thoughts on me and my interviews. It was a great phone call and I was proud to hear how highly they thought of me. I will admit I asked Hiring Manager half-way through the call “Wait. Are you sure you are talking about the right candidate?”

I feel fortunate to have gone through this process on my own terms. I wouldn’t change a single thing I did or said throughout the interviews… even the bad jokes! One thing I’d like to make abundantly clear: I’m not accusing the PA or anyone else using/stealing my idea. I believe this was 100% coincidence and you should too. I’m chalking it up to great minds thinking alike…

I’d like to thank the PA for giving me an opportunity to participate in these interviews. I was given a great opportunity from a world class group of professionals. Even the Directors that gave me a hard time weren’t that bad. They take their jobs seriously and I can respect that.

The point of this story is to give an honest, inside look into the experience I just went through. It’s not meant to insult or disrespect the PA or its staff – this was an awesome experience. I’m not trying to blow hot air their way either. In fact I didn’t even ask them if writing this article was OK. It probably isn’t and it’s likely I’m burning bridges by publishing this story. But as a passionate fan of hockey and anything that surrounds the game, I feel this is a story I’d like to read about.

The things I do for you, Stayclassy readers… Thanks for reading this really long story.

Stay classy, NHLPA.

Shaving chests and the Calgary Flames

April 7th, 2010

When it comes to my friends and I, we’re usually one drink away from a bad decision. Something Dion Phaneuf can probably relate to. So after an evening of cold ones and trying to one-up each others stupid bets,  you know something regrettable is about to happen. It always works that way.

And because I’m writing about it, it’s obvious that this regrettable incident happened to me. In saying that, this story doesn’t have to be about me and only me. As you may have guessed from the title of today’s blog, this story also involves the Calgary Flames. Oh, and shaving chests. I can’t believe I didn’t mention that sooner.

Some back story you should know. I carried around a pretty hairy chest for a few years. Carried. Imagine George Parros’ mustache spanning from my neck down to my belly button with the tenacity of Daniel Alfredsson’s old curly blond locks. This picture should help fill the gaps.

George Parros-Daniel Alfredsson

Left- George Parros; right- Daniel Alfredsson

Last Saturday night my chest hair was shaved into an inverted arrow pointing downwards. Basically the arrow was all hair. And while it wasn’t some clever metaphor about the Flames decline over recent years, it very well could have been. Then last night the combination of the Flames losing against the Sharks and the Avalanche shootout win over the Canucks killed Calgary’s 2010 post-season hopes.

With the Flames officially eliminated from this year’s Stanley Cup playoffs, it means all aspects of the Flames organization should and will be thoroughly evaluated… much like my chest was once all the hair was shaved off on Saturday. In a weird and slightly disgusting way, the failed 2009-2010 season is the Flames version of a shaved chest. All the excess hair and noise can be trimmed, cropped and completely reduced to create a better foundation. Then with drafting, development and key free agent signings, a properly molded chest can grow and be cultivated. And this will take some time too. A full rebuild is needed in Calgary.

Personally, I’m glad the Flames missed the playoffs. It’s not that I don’t like the Flames. It’s that I don’t like the Sutters and I don’t believe they understand the new NHL. I believe they’ve made some very bad trades/acquisitions over the years. It’s possible the full organizational shuffle that might happen now that the Flames have missed the playoffs might not have happened if Calgary lucked their way into the final Western Conference playoff position. Again, I think that’s a good thing for the long term future of the Calgary Flames.

There isn’t a moral to this story. Come to think of it, this is more of an example of how stupid my friends and I are, more than a explanation behind a miserable Flames season. But hopefully for the sake of Flames fans you can take some comfort in knowing someone else did something even dumber than making bad trades, building a bad hockey team and missing the playoffs. Anyone up for a drink?

Stay classy, Calgary Flames.

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