Archive for the ‘Greatest Hits’ category

Fun suggestions for Ottawa’s 2012 NHL All-Star game weekend

September 14th, 2010

In what might be the worst kept secret since Jonathan Cheechoo’s buy out (which bore rumours approximately five minutes after the Senators acquired him, give or take a few minutes), the NHL is reportedly set to announce the 2012 All-Star game will be held in Ottawa later this week.

Despite being panned by both fans and analysts, hosting an All-Star game is a big deal. Much like the NHL’s Entry Draft, the All-Star game is a full weekend event and churns out big dollars for hosting clubs. Since I grew up in Ottawa, I thought it would be somewhat appropriate to give some fun suggestions to help spruce up Ottawa’s 2012 NHL All-Star weekend. You’re welcome, Senators…

  • The City of Ottawa will likely make a multi-day event out of the All-Star game, packed with entertainment, activities and games for fans, families etc… For example, games could include designing your own horrible 3rd jersey or participating in a scavenger hunt with one incredibly difficult place to locate. Of course that place would be Scotiabank Place.
  • As a way to bring fans closer to their favourite players, fans could be given an opportunity to try out game-used Senators equipment on Scotiabank Place ice in a fun “pick-up” hockey game. I’m guessing the poor soul who gets stuck with Chris Phillips’ stick probably won’t understand why it keeps shooting the puck into his/her own net.
  • On that note, the Senators could also give fans an opportunity to try on game-worn jerseys. Or in Alexandre Daigle’s case, previously worn nurse outfits.
  • Fans, if you are lucky enough to attend the 2012 All-Star game at Scotiabank Place, building officials won’t mind if you “boo” any/all of the Ottawa Senators All-Stars. Turns out the Senators are used to playing 82 road games each season.
  • I think a hockey themed version of Monopoly would go down very well as part of the All-Star weekend festivities. It would be realistic too. For example, the “Go To Jail” board tile would actually include the words “Ottawa Senators starting goalie.”
  • Fans could play a game of Clue as yet another game during the All-Star weekend. The game would include the following clues: “Has done some shady business deals,” “Has lied to authorities” and “Has made a lot of unkept promises.” Fans would be able to choose between Rod Bryden and Eugene Melnyk.
  • I’m told a member of the Senators had an idea too. It turns out a Senators captain recently approached the NHL about a modification to the “Hardest Shot” skills event. I don’t know which Senator made the suggestion, but apparently the idea involves taking slapshots at Scott Niedermayer instead of empty nets.

Stay classy, NHL All-Star game and Ottawa Senators.

Unseen NHL Center Ice Press Release

September 9th, 2010

Recently the NHL issued a press release for the 2010-2011 Center Ice TV package. The actual news release seems pretty normal but it’s definitely a polished and more refined version.

Like any other press release, several drafts were probably written before any such polishing could happen. Somehow I’ve managed to get my hands on a draft version of this press release… check it out below. It’s probably a good thing they changed it.

NHL Center Ice Press Release | Stayclassy.net

If you would like to download a hi-res/totally awesome version of the image above, click here.

What do you think? Did the NHL do the right thing by changing it? Were they onto something with the draft? Who knows…

Stay classy, NHL Center Ice.

Significance of the NHL’s 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp

August 13th, 2010

Toronto is getting ready to host the NHL’s 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp next week. The event is so big that Gatorade is actually sponsoring the event! Granted, Gatorade sponsors anything with young hockey players but it’s still pretty cool, right? On second thought, they’d probably sponsor Neverland Ranch if those kids wore skates…

Uhhh, anyways… (how does one transition from that?!?!)…

Part of the excitement behind the 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp (RDO for short) is due to the fact that next summer’s top draft-eligible prospects will participate in the two day event. The consensus from all the hockey fans I’ve spoken to is no one really cares. But today, I’d like to explain the RDO’s significance to you:

  • If this event goes well in Canada, it’s very likely the NHL will bring it to the US, make it an annual tradition and start taking it seriously.
  • This entire event is a mirror image of Gary Bettman’s corporate philosophy: Fix what’s not broken and ignore what really needs attention. Brilliant, Gary.
  • Pro scouts can use this two day event as a good measuring stick for prospects future weight, height and nurse outfit size.
  • Media, bloggers and Brian Burke can get a closer look at who else the Toronto Maple Leafs won’t be drafting next summer.
  • RDO organizer, Brendan Shanahan, has said he hopes the camp will encourage new coaching strategies and offensive innovations. And then he hired Ken Hitchcock to run the event.
  • The New York Islanders intend to hire Mike Milbury to serve as a special advisor to their scouting team during the event. The Islanders staff will ask Milbury who he would trade in order to rank the top talent.
  • One of the lesser discussed camp seminars will teach top rated prospects to continue working hard and taking training seriously to avoid one day surpassing Wade Redden as the high paid AHL player of all time.
  • Every NHL team will send their scouting departments to this event to make note of the young, upcoming talent. Everyone except the Calgary Flames, who are still using the Sutter brothers “only if they’ve played for us before” policy.
  • NHL scouts and GM’s will get a first hand look at how these kids deal with adversity like changing rules, shifting crease sizes, wider blue lines and more. It will feel just like any Stephane Auger officiated NHL game.

Stay classy, 2010 Research, Development and Orientation Camp.

My job interview with the NHLPA

August 11th, 2010

Disclaimer: Everything below is 100% true. I’ve never lied about anything on this site before and it wouldn’t make sense to start now. Ultimately you’ll just have to believe this story. It’s OK if you don’t but you should know I’m not getting anything out of telling the world I didn’t get a job.

About three months ago a recruiter contacted me about “a great marketing job.” Having just started another job, the thought of more meetings and interviews didn’t excite me. I blew off the recruiter several times without any hesitation. She kept following up and eventually told me her client was the NHLPA. Now she had my attention. Obviously I was willing to talk about meetings and interviews for a position within the NHLPA.

Apparently the recruiter had already made herself familiar with Stayclassy.net. It turns out a reader of this site knows her well, knew about the opportunity and recommended she speak with me. I’m totally serious too. During initial conversations with the recruiter, I wasn’t aware she’d seen and read the site.

The first official phone interview with the recruiter didn’t get off to a great start. For whatever reason, we just weren’t on the same page. About 20 minutes into the call, out of nowhere, she asked me about Stayclassy.net. I started to laugh and thought “Oh God, this opportunity is going to end quicker than an Atlanta Thrashers playoff series.” That was when I decided to pull a ‘George Costanza’ and literally do the exact opposite of everything I’d normally do. I figured I had nothing to lose and it would make for a funny story. (Note: Don’t mistake my attitude as reckless or care free. I wanted the job but I knew competition would be strong and probably have more experience than me. It was my intention to stand out by being different. I wanted to push the envelope since I already had a good job).

Several weeks later I found myself at the NHLPA’s headquarters in downtown Toronto interviewing with the Hiring Manager. The meeting was short but went well… and Stayclassy.net came up several times. (Note: It’s not that I’m embarrassed by the site – I’m not – It’s that the people interviewing me represent the players I regularly poke fun of. Awkward…). I kept thinking this couldn’t help my chances. Stayclassy’s content wasn’t discussed as much as my views on social media and online marketing. I was later told they liked me and wanted to introduce me to other NHLPA staff.

A few weeks later I was back at the PA’s office (by the way, they call themselves ‘The PA’). This time I was meeting with three new people, in addition to the Hiring Manager from the last interview. I was courted from one Director’s office to another. The first interview started with a simple question: “Kevin, what do you think of our website?” Using the Costanza methodology, I spent the next five minutes ripping it to pieces in sheer disgust. My attitude was well received (somehow). The Director told me he liked my critical perspective. Without flinching I cut him off saying “You didn’t ask me to come in and tell you what a great job you’ve done.” Much to my dismay, he was impressed. I couldn’t believe my luck. Even I thought my tone was a little too much. Perhaps the Costanza theory has merit after all…

For every hockey fan out there reading this, here’s a question for you: How much do you know about J.S. Giguere, Wade Belak, Mike Sillinger and Steve Sullivan off the ice? I was asked this very question. The interviewer wanted me to show I follow more than just on-ice stories. I did well because my life revolves around hockey and nothing else. I was then asked to discuss several trades that happened within the last few weeks. I talked about why I felt trading Jaroslav Halak before signing Carry Price was weird. He agreed. We then talked about how bizarre it must be to get traded (mostly because of Mike Sillinger and how often he was traded in his career).

Moving to the next interview, I saw an insane amount of Alex Ovechkin life-size cutouts, framed photos, books, hockey bags etc… around the office. In a lame attempt to stir up a laugh and break the ice, I said to one of the Directors “Is Ovechkin part of the interview process too?”

Dead silence. Not exactly a hit joke. Two of the Directors responded with a firm “NO.” I made a mental note not to attempt any more jokes while interviewing with the PA.

The next interview was a 2 on 1 and I won’t lie, it didn’t go well. Imagine Bryan McCabe fending off two skilled forwards – that basically describes my performance. It was one of those interviews that felt like I was on trial rather than a candidate of interest. I limped out of this interview assuming the dream was over. I concluded the morning by doing another interview with the Hiring Manager. He asked me what was going through my head at that exact moment. I told him I was thinking ahead to my rec hockey game later that evening and how I wanted to continue our winning streak.

About a week later I got feedback from the recruiter.

You’ve probably noticed this process took a long time with several weeks between interviews and news updates. This process was far longer than any job interview I’ve ever been involved with before. I’m not really sure why, although the summer is a very busy time for the PA. The playoffs just ended, unrestricted free agency had begun, Lou Lamiorello signed a ‘reasonable’ 17-year contract and the PA’s search for an Executive Director (ie Donald Fehr) was heating up (according to TSN).

That was a month or so ago. A few weeks passed and I was told I’d be moving forward to the final stage of interviews. This round of interviews would be with the Hiring Manager and the most senior person currently within the PA. For the sake of this story, he’ll be known as Head Dude. I was asked to submit a strategic report of what I would do in the role, how I would tackle various challenges and meet important deliverables. The report was due on Thursday July 22nd.

The next day, Friday July 23rd, I was scheduled to present my report to Head Dude. This was one of the hottest days of the summer. It was face-melting hot. I was a sweaty mess as I made my way into the PA’s office. Head Dude greeted me with great enthusiasm saying “Kevin, great to meet you. This way please” while guiding me to his office. He followed with “It’s a hot one outside today, eh?” With zero hesitation I responded with “Sure is hot, Head Dude. I’m sweating more than Cam Fowler on draft day.” There was a brief pause of silence, which felt like an eternity. Immediately I regretted making that joke. Truth is, it was completely unplanned. It came out of nowhere. Trembling with fear and nervousness I turned my head towards Head Dude. I was ready to be thrown out of their office. But much to my surprise – a recurring theme throughout this entire story – he erupted in laughter. I was so relieved.

We started to review my strategy document that he’d only read part of (which is fair since I submitted the 12-page report the evening before). Part of my plan was to promote NHL events in non-traditional ways to encourage fan engagement and greater connections between fans and players (courtesy of the NHLPA). I talked about how an opportunity was missed at the 2010 Winter Classic by not having Zdeno Chara show fans how to shoot pucks over the “Green Monster” (Fenway Park’s green homerun wall). I explained how the PA could use sponsors, players and fans to shoot pucks through Heinz Field field-goals for the 2011 Winter Classic. Head Dude busted into laughter, again. (Note: I’m not actually this funny. In fact I was a bit weirded out that someone with a great deal of power and authority was actually laughing at or with me. On second thought, it was probably at me). Head Dude’s laughter confused me because I was dead serious. I continued to explain my idea. He was still laughing but said “Kevin, you are crazy. This is interesting and ‘out of the box’, but it’s crazy.”

One thing you should understand about the PA. They were honest about a number of initiatives they had on the go. They were already working on a few of the ideas I approached them with and disclosed additional information for me to better position my talking points. When I spoke about the Winter Classic idea, they laughed and said it was creative. I left this interview as the ‘crazy marketer’ with some different ideas. I figured if the NHLPA wanted to do something different (or very different), I’d be their guy. Remember this whole approach was the only way I felt I could compete with candidates who probably had more experience than me.

On Tuesday July 27th I got an email from a close friend saying “Dude did you see [link included within the message]?” Not knowing what he was talking about, I opened the link. It was a video of the Pittsburgh Penguins hosting media and members of the Washington Capitals to promote the 2011 Winter Classic game (the video was shot earlier that day) at Heinz Field (Pittsburgh Steelers stadium where the Winter Classic was set to be played). And yes, they were shooting pucks through the stadium’s field-goal poles. My eyes fell out of their sockets. I could not believe what I was seeing. I immediately wondered if the PA was involved with this promotion. I was furious. The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. “Did someone use my idea? Do I look less original?” I was in full panic-desperation mode – like Dean Lombardi was after missing out on Kovalchuk and signing Alex Ponikarovsky. (Note: Earlier this week I found out the PA was not involved with this event).

To wrap this long story up, things ended here. I had a series of great interviews with the NHLPA but they elected to go with the other, more experienced candidate. I have no problem with this. I wish the PA all the best. To their credit, the PA and Hiring Manager called me and gave me a full review of their thoughts on me and my interviews. It was a great phone call and I was proud to hear how highly they thought of me. I will admit I asked Hiring Manager half-way through the call “Wait. Are you sure you are talking about the right candidate?”

I feel fortunate to have gone through this process on my own terms. I wouldn’t change a single thing I did or said throughout the interviews… even the bad jokes! One thing I’d like to make abundantly clear: I’m not accusing the PA or anyone else using/stealing my idea. I believe this was 100% coincidence and you should too. I’m chalking it up to great minds thinking alike…

I’d like to thank the PA for giving me an opportunity to participate in these interviews. I was given a great opportunity from a world class group of professionals. Even the Directors that gave me a hard time weren’t that bad. They take their jobs seriously and I can respect that.

The point of this story is to give an honest, inside look into the experience I just went through. It’s not meant to insult or disrespect the PA or its staff – this was an awesome experience. I’m not trying to blow hot air their way either. In fact I didn’t even ask them if writing this article was OK. It probably isn’t and it’s likely I’m burning bridges by publishing this story. But as a passionate fan of hockey and anything that surrounds the game, I feel this is a story I’d like to read about.

The things I do for you, Stayclassy readers… Thanks for reading this really long story.

Stay classy, NHLPA.

Hockey Blogger Code and Secret Societies

August 5th, 2010

When it comes to blogging about hockey there are a lot of rules many aren’t familiar with. There’s a Code. A hockey blogger Code. It’s pretty much like a Secret Society thing except we all attend the meetings from our parents basements. And we don’t drink wicked beer out of even wickeder mugs like that Simpson’s Stonecutters episode… we drink grape juice out of no-name juice boxes. Or whatever mom bought on sale this week from Costco!

Now I’m going to do something a little crazy today. I’m going to share the Code and information about the Secret hockey blogger Society. I can’t believe I’m going to reveal highly confidential information in such a public forum. Usually it would be blasphemy but I’m 92% sure I’m not even welcome in the Society. Kind of like how David Blaine isn’t welcome in the magic community. You know, because he’s all creepy and weird. Or Dominic Moore and each NHL team he joins every trade deadline.  Anyways I’ve made you wait long enough. Below is the hockey blogger Code and some background about the Secret Society. Please don’t tell anyone you read it here.

Various excerpts from the Code:

  • The Code requires bloggers to be sharp and savvy when it comes to NHL trade rumours. The Code teaches us to question virtually every trade scenario and call “bullsh—” on anything that sounds remotely fake. Doing this helps lend credibility to rumours we either really want to happen or really want to believe for no apparent reason.
  • It’s not enough to simply love DownGoesBrown, praise him and retweet his blogs. The Code requires you to take it to the next level by leaving strange and obscure comments on each of his articles. Some common examples include “This post was deliciously funny,” “I spat my coffee all over my computer and now you owe me a new one” or “I think you made me fart from laughing so much.”
  • The Code requires you to churn out as many blogs, tweets and emails as possible during trade deadlines, UFA frenzies or other large hockey news events. Note: you’ll get all your information from Bob McKenzie and Darren Dreger but do not use their names when recycling their news. You can refer to them as “your sources.”
  • A good and quick way to build credibility with your readers is to remind them what you wrote, said and predicted last week. No one’s ever going to click on your shameless self-promoted links but they might believe you. It’s basically no risk.
  • Even though you don’t ever agree with anything the man says or writes, the Code requires you to follow Damian Cox on Twitter.
  • Speaking of Twitter, the Code encourages “retweeting” other blogs and links regardless of its quality. It’s also cool if you retweeted the link without reading it.
  • Saying “there isn’t much to write about” is generally an acceptable excuse for being lazy. Or for “having a life and leaving my basement.”
  • A good way to drive traffic to your website is to trade blogroll links with other popular hockey sites. It’s a pretty honest thing sites do to grow readership and respect within the online blogger community, however, sites that follow the Code usually pull the “McGuire Maneuver” instead. Here’s what you do: First you lay the ground work by getting an agreement with another site to trade links. Next, set expectations that you are very busy for the next few days. Then you wait until the other site adds your site to their blogroll and… wait for ityou never put their site on your blogroll!!! How awesome is that??!? Why is this called the “McGuire Maneuver?” Because it’s so stupid and so annoying no one will ever admit to talking to you in the first place.

General information about the Secret Society:

  • We don’t actually understand the majority of the NHL’s CBA. We just pretend to. Basically it’s such a mess that we can get away with making it up as we go. To my knowledge no one has been caught making things up. Whenever the NHL and NHLPA rewrite the next CBA, we’ll have a field day making up new crap from scratch knowing we got away with all the lies from the last CBA!
  • For a little while we capped the number of bloggers who could be a part of the Secret Society. Even though we did this, bloggers from Philadelphia and Chicago kept taking up all the open and not-so-open-spots which basically screwed it up for the rest of the group.
  • Hockey bloggers sometimes get a bad rap. As a Secret Society, we felt we needed to be taken more seriously. So like any organization thinking clearly, we asked George Laraque to be our official ambassador. Turns out he was too busy to accommodate our request. Something about helping the “French-Bloc’s right to a 25th Stanley Cup…”
  • Those newly acquainted with The Code and it’s Secret Society are highly sought after. There’s usually lots of competition from other groups and societies which usually results in bidding wars and regrettable offers made. Our Society usually outbids the Los Angeles one because we offer 17-year commitments like the Jersey Shore girls offer “good times.” And because the LA Society can’t recruit sh—.
  • In the early days of the Secret Society, Eklund was invited to join. He accepted and faced his initiation of having to push a large rock up a steep hill. After pushing the rock up a quarter of the hill, Eklund devised a short sighted scheme to avoid completing the task by forecasting unbelievable weather changes. He often claimed “calm before the storm,” followed by a “something big is about to go down” warning in an effort to avoid the daunting rock push. These quotes linked to a strange ranking system that always seemed to change. No one understood this ranking system despite hearing numerous explanations. Eklund never finished pushing the rock up the hill and is now a sworn enemy to the Society and its bloggers. As such, he is not privy to the secrets of the Code. Unless he reads this not-so-secret blog. Crap.

Stay classy, hockey blogger Code and Secret Society.

NHL Draft Facebook Event – Would you go?

June 25th, 2010

When I logged into Facebook last night, I had a notification of an event I had yet to RSVP to. I’m still not entirely sure if I should confirm my attendance. Although it looks legit (the NHL is very hip on these social media sites!), I’m not sure I fit in with the scene.

Below is a screenshot of the 2010 NHL Draft Facebook event. Would you go?

(Click on the image to view a larger version).

Stayclassy.net's funny 2010 NHL Draft event on Facebook

Stay classy, NHL Entry Draft.

Signs you’re ready for the next NHL season to start

June 15th, 2010

It hasn’t even been a week since the final NHL game of the season and already it feels like an eternity has passed. I’m so bored and I don’t remember what I did last summer or the one before that to pass the time. I also don’t recall feeling this lost less than a week after the hockey season ended.

In between spouts of depression and anger I’ve come to learn hockey fans want their hockey. Here are a few signs you know you’re ready for the next NHL season to start. Feel free to add yours below.

  • You miss Bob McKenzie’s insider analysis so much the HF Boards trade suggestions don’t actually look that bad.
  • In addition to announcing Dion Phaneuf as their new team captain on Monday, the Toronto Maple Leafs showcased their new brand new jerseys. Most people didn’t realize this since they looked exactly the same as any other blue Leaf jersey made in the last 30 years. This is hockey news in mid-June folks…
  • You actually know how to spell and/or pronounce “vuvuzela.”
  • You just found out about this hugely popular TV show called Lost that apparently ended a month ago.
  • Never in a million years did you think you’d actually be interested to hear what Taylor Hall says on draft day.
  • Upon further thought, maybe Jim Hughson wasn’t as annoying in the Playoffs as originally thought??
  • Reading one of Eklund’s “why I need three iPad’s to blog about hockey” was almost worth the annual $20 membership fee.
  • You actually read that article about Peter Forsberg nearly playing for the Flyers this season and didn’t want your last two minutes back.
  • You are bankrupt so you are pretty much ready to get back to work right away to pay for that tanking family construction business.
  • Wait. “Sports Talk Radio” actually exists in the summer?
  • Hey it’s been a week since you last saw a Sidney Crosby commercial!
  • You wonder if  a Rangers/Islanders  3-D NHL broadcast would be exciting to watch. Oh wait. No it wouldn’t. There’s no way the NHL would ever do something that gimmicky.
  • You unexpectedly enjoyed a quiet and relaxing last few months, you know, because your name is Carcillo.
  • Suddenly you realize going two full months without shaving isn’t that awesome and kind of gross.
  • Hey it’s been a week since you last saw a Bruce Boudreau commercial!
  • You watch CBC’s great Playoff montages to get pumped up for the World Cup.

Stay classy, NHL off-season. My god this is going to feel like forever! Is it October yet?

***

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Found! Actual transcript between Jason Spezza and Bryan Murray

June 6th, 2010

You are in luck. A third Stayclassy post in three days. I guess I am feeling creative or something… (that something might be Justin from the Hockeycardshow suggesting I do this, but whatever…).

Lately there have been some heavy rumors suggesting Jason Spezza might ask to be traded prior to his No Trade Clause kicking on July 1st. It’s been reported by several (read: not credible) sports outlets that this is a result of Senators fans booing Spezza during their 1st Round Playoff exit at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Both Bryan Murray and Jason Spezza have been fairly quiet on the matter (probably a good idea after last summer’s Heatley debachle). Murray has even indicated he hopes to sit down with Spezza prior to the NHL Entry draft to follow up on the previous conversation the two shared days after being eliminated from the Stanley Cup Playoffs (read: weird post-season tournament where all the good teams lost early and screwed up hockey pools around the world).

What many don’t know is this follow up interview has already taken place! Luckily for you I have most of the interview transcribed. Here it is:

Bryan Murray: Thanksh for sitting down with me Jashon. There’sh a few things I’d like to follow up with…

Jason Spezza: Before getting into what I said a few months ago I have to ask. Why did you tell the media about my frustration with being booed? That was kind of a D-Bag move, man.

BM: Look I’m shaawwry about that. That was actually Eugene Melnyk’s fault. He told me to do that.

JS: Since when does he give you advice on running a pro hockey team?

BM: Well Jashon I won’t lie to you. He’s gotten very good at NHL10 on PlayStation. He told me he uses this tactic a lot when trying to make trades in franchise mode. His gamer score is pretty aweshome. I believe him.

JS: Is that the game with me on the cover?

BM: No. You are talking about NHL2k8. Totally different game.

JS: I’m starting to feel this organization doesn’t love me like I want to be loved! I helped design that game and my team owner is off playing another hockey game??? I even included my trademark behind-the-back pass moves!

BM: Yeah I know… that’sh actually a complaint of many players. They say it causes too many nearly-inshtant goals against. Anyways… We really want you to stay an Ottawa Senator. You are a leader of this team and frankly my career needs you to stay here and produce like everyone thinksh you can.

JS: You mean you can’t afford to trade another star player for “top 6 forwards” that are actually role players on 3rd/4th lines?

BM: Exshactly. It might discredit all future interviews I do when I talk about the team needing one final top 6 forward and top 4 defencemen to round out the solid group I have in place.

JS: * Giggles lots * Dude! I totally don’t believe you anymore when you say that — * Giggling increases *

* More giggling transpires… *

* Still going… *

BM: Jashon, you were saying?

* Still giggling… It’s like this giggling is being looped! *

BM: Schtop your damn giggling and get to the point!

JS: Right. OK. We keep getting sidetracked here. None of this conversation changes the fact that I don’t like being booed in my own building. I’m frustrated that the only thing this city shows emotion for is my ‘unlucky turnovers’ and tax season. I need to know what we’re prepared to do to stop the boo’s. It’s the only way I’ll stay in Ottawa.

BM: I have shome ideashs. I’ll call the City of Ottawa and have them indefinitely delay the Queensway expansion to tie up traffic getting to each home game. That way less people will be in the arena for game time. Less people equals less boo’s. It’s physhicshx.

JS: Nice. What else d’ya got?

BM: We could have the Shparta Cat blast hot dogs into the crowd every time you make a bad passh. Fans will never be able to boo because their mouths will be forever loaded with fake meat and bad shoe leather hot dogs! And we could make excuses for you like “Michalek needs another knee surgery”. We can probably get away with that excuse 2-3 times per season.

JS: *Nods in approval*

BM: We could also claim the dressing room lacks character players. I need to resign Nick Foligno soon. I don’t really know what the hell kind of offer to give him so we could make him the scape goat. That helps both of us.

JS: Nice! His nose freaks me out too. Oh! Can we get Mike Comrie back?

BM: Is he still playing hockey? I could probably offer our first round pick for next season. I’d have to check with Eugene but I’m pretty sure he’ll be cool with it. He’s probably already done this on NHL10 anyways. Anything else Jashon?

JS: One last thing. This is kind of random. When TSN and CBC show General Managers on TV in their Suites writing things down, what are you writing and doing?

BM: Well most guys do different schtuff. Personally I like crossword puzzles. And I know Burkie likes Sh… Shudsh… Shudokushs. That’s like the hardestsh word to say!! Anyways between me and you he really sucksh at them. He never uses the number 2… no clue why.

JS: Nice! OK. I have to go stop off at the bank and meet McGrattan and Emery for lunch. Apparently they need me to spot them a bunch of cash for something “fun”. Not sure what that means. See you in a few weeks.

I’m sure many fans of the Senators and Spezza will get mad and defensive over this “transcript”. If you are angered please lighten up. In all seriousness trading Jason Spezza would be the worst thing this organization could do for two reasons:

  1. There is no way the Senators can replace a #1 center like Spezza (via free agency or from within their organization).
  2. The Senators cannot afford the negative press that would come from losing another star player for nothing (they wouldn’t get anywhere near the value in return) in consecutive years. Season ticket sales would take an even bigger nose dive and the organization’s reputation would hurt the team for years to come.

Stay classy, Jason Schpezzsha.

***

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A few tips for your Stanley Cup Riot

May 13th, 2010

I suppose I can only get away with a blog like this if I first congratulate the Montreal Canadiens on their series clinching win over the Pittsburgh Penguins. (Congrats, Montreal). How hilarious would it be if the Philadelphia Flyers win tomorrow night, seeing the 7th and 8th seeds playing in the Eastern Conference Finals? Actually, I really want to see that happen now.

Anyways, in celebration of Montreal’s big win and the town riots that ensued after, I figured it would be somewhat appropriate to post a few tips for the next “celebration.” A celebration that will probably happen in less than two weeks when the Canadiens defeat the Flyers (or Bruins, but who knows??) in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Here are a few tips for your Stanley Cup Riot:

  • Only riot in cities that legitimately care about hockey. So cities like Montreal or Philadelphia… or Tampa Bay.
  • Wearing a Canadiens jersey when rioting is encouraged, however, crowds may turn on you if Bonk, Latendresse or Gainey nameplates are etched on said jersey.
  • Try to assemble the craziest group of people possible for optimum destruction. A few suggestions include John Muckler and Glen Sather (two crazy bastards), Mike Milbury (proficient in obscure violence with non-traditional weapons) and James Duthie (mostly because he was the only person crazy enough to bet on Montreal in the 2nd round of the Playoffs after they were down 3-1 in the series. And partly because he’s been known to talk/hang out with monkeys macaques).
  • If you are going to destroy local business property, make sure it’s a really bad business like that “Fleury’s School of Clutch Goaltending” on Expired Street.
  • If ever you are concerned with the quality of your rioting now or in the last 15 years, just refer to rioting successes from 30+ years ago.
  • You want to have a strong destruction percentage when rioting. Be selective and look for objects that can smash in one attempt or less to increase destruction percentage. By doing this, you’ll be feared for your lethal accuracy, just like Mike Cammalleri.
  • The city of Montreal might try to reduce rioting by inviting fans into the Bell Centre to watch the Canadiens road games. But it’s really an opportunity to strategize and get drunk for 3 hours before the party really starts.
  • If I’ve learned anything from Montreal, 2-1 odds are a good thing, so don’t worry if there are twice as many police as there are rioters. Just wear a Habs jersey and things will work out fine!
  • When picking a team leader for your riot squad, try to pick someone that won’t quit half way through the task. Chances are s/he will wipe their hands clean should failure occur. That or s/he’ll reappear months later to take credit if you succeed.
  • Finally, do your best to avoid damaging the sports stores that sell those Habs jerseys that when turned inside out are actually Leaf jerseys…

Stay classy, Montreal Canadiens.

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The NHL’s 2010 Yearbook

April 28th, 2010

The NHL likes to do things a bit differently than other pro sports leagues. Shortly after the end of each regular season, the league releases it’s annual yearbook complete with typical “Most Likely To” and “Classy Photo” sections. Usually, most players receive their yearbook in the last week of April.

Apparently a lot of time is put into this tradition and players themselves vote on various categories. Don’t ask how, but I’ve manage to obtain a screenshot of a few pages from this year’s NHL yearbook. I’ve cut the left and right pages into 2 separate images for your viewing pleasure (below is a link for the full version)…

The NHL’s 2010 Yearbook (left page)


The NHL’s 2010 Yearbook (right page)


I highly recommend viewing and downloading the high-res image here.

Stay classy, annual NHL yearbooks.

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