Pro NHL Conduct Tips

November 18th, 2010 by Burgundy Leave a reply »

Already in this young NHL season, we’ve seen some pretty questionable conduct across the league. Whether it’s players, teams, journalists (ha ha, yeah, imagine that!) or league officials, it seems like at one point or another, people have forgotten how to conduct themselves.

Two of the NHL's "rockstars" Colin Campbell and New York Islanders GM Garth Snow.

I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (I mean, anyone who “drunk-tweets” with as much regularity as me isn’t exactly perfect…), but since I consider myself classy, I think it’s semi-appropriate to establish several pro NHL conduct tips. So here we go:

  • If fan expectations ever seem too unreasonable, such as challenging for the playoffs or generally not being the laughing stock of the league, it’s important to know you can reset such expectations by registering two shots on goal in three shooting attempts during a shootout or by beating up a fan for no real reason.
  • If a well-known and respected writer fairly criticizes your team and it’s direction, pull all their official credentials. Not only will this teach the writer not to disagree with you in the future, but by cutting off this one person’s access, no one will ever know — much less discuss — if your team is struggling or making bad decisions anymore! Brilliant!
  • If a slightly younger NHL player doesn’t respect you enough, voice your opinion to anyone with a microphone who’s willing to listen. Since you are a grown man and all, know that the fatal “Sticks and stones will break my bones” rhyme probably wasn’t ever true anyways.
  • Try not to throw your own teammate under the bus through the media, even though he totally deserves it. Just continue to let other teams make jerkoff motions to him. If done correctly, this will eventually teach him his lesson…
  • In order to ensure your confidential emails don’t become subject of national headlines and embarrassment, it’s suggested you capitalize your “I’s” as well as start all sentences with capital letters. Also, it’s encouraged that you express full thoughts with complete sentences that actually make sense. Alternatively, you could avoid tarnishing your already questionable reputation by not sending absurdly stupid emails in the first place. Just a thought though.

Stay classy, poorly conducted NHL pro’s.

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