On Wednesday morning, the Montreal Canadiens officially announced Brian Gionta as their new team captain. It’s a great selection too, even though it took the Canadiens way too long to figure it out and announce it. I think the long awaited announcement took longer than most of their Centennial pre-game ceremonies last year… ouch.
Is it Captain... or "Chaptain?"
Anyways, choosing a team captain for a storied franchise can’t be easy. There’s literally hundreds of thoughts and factors that go into such an important decision. A good friend of mine, who is very connected with the Canadiens, recently sent me some interesting criteria the Habs had for picking their new captain. With today’s news, I figured many fans would be interested to see how Gionta ended up with the “C.”
Consider: Is the player American?
Reason: The last Habs captain who was American played in the NHL until he was 100.
Consider: Is the player 25 or younger?
Reason: Historically, the last two Stanley Cup winning teams have had very young captains.
Consider: Is the player a goalie?
Reason: Fans will forever wonder if the “C” on the face mask stands for “Canadiens” or “Captain.”
Consider: Can the player fight?
Reason: It’s important that the captain be able to occasionally defend teammates on the ice or in dark alleyways.
Consider: Does the player have a strong sense of humour?
Reason: He’ll need to know when and when not to laugh during Carey Price interviews.
Consider: Does this player have any Stanley Cup experience?
Reason: We’re not picking captains for the Toronto Maple Leafs…
Consider: Is this player’s name easy to spell?
Reason: Spelling C-A-M-A-L-L-E-R-I or P-L-E-K-A-N-I-C-H-X is a pain in the ass.
Consider: Is this player photogenic?
Reason: Former Canadiens captain, Saku Koivu, didn’t always have his eyes open in some pictures.
Consider: Can this player speak French?
Reason: He needs to be able to hold conversations with media and fans like “Je suis d’accord, nous aurions dû garder Halak.”
(Translation: “I agree, we should have kept Halak.”)
There you have it! That’s how Brian Gionta ended up as the Montreal Canadiens captain. Please don’t hate me, Habs fans.
Stay classy, NHL team captains.
We don’t care about you enough to hate you.
Somehow I don’t see Gionta’s captaincy lasting terribly long in Montreal.
I hope Carey Price gives him a stool as a captaincy gift.
Was that a Koivu eye injury dig?
@ Justin – Umm *sigh* Yeah, yeah it was. I’m a terrible person.
@ Keith – I think Gionta will be fine as captain, at least for as long as his current contract is. He seems like a good leader, hard worker, someone who’s been to the Finals and won.
@ Julie – Are we still in love?
I don’t know which is funnier, the blog content or Metric Julie’s comment :p
Hmm having Price as Captain would have been interesting to see you know…
Instant classic. I’m spelling it Plekanichx from now on.
@ SensDew19 – In my humble opinion, Julie’s comment is definitely funnier. Actually, it’s the only funny thing on this site. I still think she hates me.
@ Lewy – Thanks buddy. Please carry the Plekanichx torch. It’s the most ridiculous name in the NHL! I’ll support you!
Plekanichx is infinitely easier to remember than Byfuglien or Joe Nieuwenfuckiforgottherestofthelettersinthisgoddamnnamedyke.
If that was only thing funny on this site you wouldn’t have gotten so many reads ;) you underrate your blog’s awesomeness too much
“Please carry the Plekanichx torch. It’s the most ridiculous name in the NHL!”
HAHAHAHAHA so true!!