What kind of hockey player are you?

August 27th, 2010 by Burgundy Leave a reply »

I’ve been talking about my rec hockey life a little bit lately. Today I’m going to do more of that so let’s have some fun with this. There are two rec hockey seasons: summer and winter. Winter runs from September to April and summer runs from May to September. As you’ve probably surmised, summer rec hockey is coming to an end.

That means I’m trying to figure out which teams I will play on for the winter season. In addition to that, I recently decided to add another team to my schedule. And so, the “interviews” begin. Every team leader asks a series of questions like “How good are you,” “What leagues have you played in” and of course, “What kind of player are you?”

I usually say something like “Uhh, I’m OK. I don’t suck.” I never know how to explain what kind of player I am. To help with this issue – and hopefully get some sort of resolution before all the winter teams cut me – I’ve created a list of player descriptions. I’ll start with the straight forward descriptions and move into the more specific examples after.

The Goal Scorer
Description: A strong forward who has the capability of scoring a goal every time he steps on the ice. A player who’s best single season goal total almost beats the Edmonton Oilers points total from last season.
NHL Comparables: Alex Ovechkin, Steven Stamkos, Matt Moulson.

The Playmaker
Description: A player who has great on-ice vision and knows how to control the pace of the game. A player who does everything Craig Conroy was supposed to do in Calgary. A player who can actually pull off no-look passes without fans screaming “Dammit Spezza!!”
NHL Comparables: Nicklas Backstrom, Patrick Kane, no current Toronto Maple Leafs player.

The Difference Maker
Description: A player who would no doubt would be subjected to benchside interviews from Pierre McGuire… if, you know, he had slightly less credibility.
NHL Comparables: Mike “Monster” Richards, Dion “Monster” Phaneuf… those are the only two comparables, ever.

The Really Good, Young Player
Description: A young and strong player the entire team loves… except the guy who makes decisions. Largely because he’s a poor evaluator of talent and doesn’t know what an offer sheet is… yet!
NHL Comparables: James Neal, Bobby Ryan, Marc Staal.

Those are all pretty simple descriptions. But sometimes team leaders want even more information about the kind of player you are and what you bring to their team. Here are some more in depth descriptions I’ve been using (with little success, of course).

The Mike Milbury
Description: An extremely special player that you could build a team around and expect years of success with. A player that no other GM would even think about trading (even for a great return).
NHL Comparables: Roberto Luongo, Jason Spezza, dozens more.

The Don Cherry
Description: A player no one really acknowledges for anything and yet, some crazy old man feverishly campaigns for Team Canada to pick him for the Olympics.
NHL Comparables: I dunno, I never noticed a player like this.

The Dave Andreychuk
Description: By far the oldest guy on the ice who is someday bound to win something (for the love of God!!!!).
NHL Comparables: Todd Bertuzzi, Daniel Alfredsson and uhh… Dave Andreychuk.

The Doug Maclean
Description: An overrated (read: not scouted well enough) forward picked from a very strong pool of players in which he was clearly the worst.
NHL Comparables: Gilbert “still a great pick” Brule.

The Don Waddell
Description: A player with so much talent and such a bright future who the Atlanta Thrashers would only screw up, trade or do nothing with 5/10 times.
NHL Comparables: Patrik Steffan, Alex Bourret, Braydon Coburn, Kari Lehtonen, Boris Valabik.

Hey readers: Have some fun with me – What kind of hockey player are you? Let me know in the comments below!

Stay classy, hockey players.

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14 comments

  1. Burgundy says:

    This one’s great: From @SimonBob on Twitter:
    “I’d call myself a Brian McGrattan — capable of getting a third of the way to a Gordie Howe hat trick every night.”

  2. James says:

    I’m a back up goalie – I live for practice and pre-game warm ups and like having the best seat in the house night in and night out.

  3. Burgundy says:

    Don’t worry James, Michael Leighton once said the exact same thing to me!

  4. SensDew19 says:

    I’m Sidney Crosby – The best all around player who wins everything hehe

    Great read as usual (you’re running out of your limit of Spezza jokes you know :p )

  5. Burgundy says:

    @ SensDew19 – OK fine. But you’ll have to help me find someone else to make fun of lieu of Spezza. For the record, I’ve only poked at him twice out of the last 10 posts. That’s actually pretty good (for me).

  6. SensDew19 says:

    well I didnt say the limit was up said you were pretty close haha :p

    and hmm people you can make fun of Green? Anyone on the Leafs? Brian Lee? C’mon we all know you’re creative enough to make fun of anyone ;)

  7. Burgundy says:

    I do like the idea of continuing to make fun of Mike Green. Check out the comments on BladesofFunny… you’ll like a comment of mine from the other day: http://www.bladesoffunny.com/added-quotes-willie-mitchell/

  8. The Jeff Carter: When not scoring on the ice, I score with my winger’s wife off it.

    The Ian Laperriere: Block shots to the point where I have no face left.

    The Chris Pronger: Use my elbows to leave opposing players looking up at me

    The Stay-In The Kitchen Defensemen: A stay home defensemen with agoraphobia.
    NHL Comparables: Wade Redden, Andrej Meszaros, every current blueliner on the Dallas Stars

    The DJ-Goaltender: A goalie who loves strobe lights and goal horns followed by music.
    NHL Comparables: Vesa ToskaLOL, Andrew Raycroft, CristoLOL Huet

    The True Stay At Home D-man: A defensemen who really stays at home, even when under pressure.
    NHL Comparables: Sami Salo, Mike Van Ryn, Paul Ranger

  9. Burgundy says:

    Oh my god, those are awesome!! You should have written this blog.

    An addition for DJ Goaltender Comparables: Pascal LOL-Claire

  10. Jason says:

    Aww crap! The Don Waddell goaltender is our starting goaltender. And if that fails we have Andrew Raycroft to look forward to. Who is ranked #1 in the draft this coming year?

  11. Baxter says:

    For the rest of us mere mortals, in case you’re wondering….Burgundy is The Goal Scorer. I’ve played with/against him, so I know what I’m talking about.

    @DownGoesSpezza, I’m more like The Stay-in-the-Kitchen Defenceman, minus the part about playing defence.

  12. hedge says:

    The Scott Stevens….

    Offensive threat isn’t going to scare the opposition…but don’t cross the blue line with your head down!

  13. Fantana says:

    I’d call myself the Shane O’Brien. I try to stay in shape and be a good team player, but every once in a while, I just get lazy and have periods of extreme laziness.

  14. Burgundy says:

    Ummm Fantana, you seem to be missing the generally fat and sleeping in parts…

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