In what has to have been the most uneventful, painful and drawn out free agent signing in recent memory, Ilya Kovalchuk finally signed with the New Jersey Devils on Tuesday. Kovalchuk put us all out of our misery by selecting the Devils over the Los Angeles Kings and even the New York Islanders by agreeing to an NHL record 17-year contract estimated to be worth more than $102 Million. That’s the good news.
The bad news is hockey analysts will be evaluating this contract for the next … (term of contract X number of days in hockey season / number of boring CBA reports + lack of other talented free agents) … 200 Billion years (give or take).
Regardless, this contract sets a huge precedent for the league moving forward and is sure to draw lots of reaction. Luckily for you, I’ve been able to tap into the minds of players, GMs, coaches and insiders around the NHL to see what they really think of Kovalchuk’s signing:
Martin Brodeur, New Jersey Devils goaltender
“Hey cool! My kids might be able to play with Kovalchuk once Lamoriello finishes tattooing the Devils logo on them.”
Alex Kovalev, Ottawa Senators anchor
“I thought I was the real Kovy???”
Zach Parise, only offensive forward New Jersey has ever drafted
*Insane laughter*
Exploded jam jar, first of many Lamoriello thrown jam jars
“Oh no. More of my friends might hit the wall in years to come…”
Bobby Ryan, soon-to-be former Anaheim Duck forward
“Hey Don Meehan, maybe I should replace you with Jay Grossman. I’ll get my big time pay raise and loads of free hype online.”
Allan Walsh, “How to keep star goalies in Montreal” author
“Did someone say something about Twitter???”
Bill Daly, Gary Bettman’s right hand man
*Get’s brain freeze after looking at Kovalchuk’s contract, similar to the kind you get after eating too much Dairy Queen* “Gary, have you seen this??”
Gary Bettman, NHL owners right hand man
“I have Bill. Can you put out a press release that says we are diligently looking into this contract? Don’t worry this is just a formality. You can go back to sleep once you finish doing this.”
Simon Gagne, benefactor of Steve Yzerman’s sharp negotiating skills
“Am I still traded to Tampa if the NHL rejects this contract?”
Eklund, ???
“When I said the Islanders Kings were going to get Kovalchuk, I meant the Devils. Obviously.”
Zach Parise, awesome player who detests Hockey Canada
*Even more insane laughter*
Steve Tambellini, guy who took 6 months to select the kid we all thought he would
“I’m pretty sure Taylor Hall will retire before Kovalchuk’s contract ends…”
Dean Lombardi, Not-so-good negotiator
“We didn’t want you anyways, Ilya. I digress… Los Angeles is the new Edmonton.”
Charles Wang, crazy-ass owner of the New York Islanders
“I love that my GM is starting to think like me with these long term contract offers.”
Garth Snow, Wang 2.0
“I think I’m really impressing my boss!”
Steve Tambellini, another guy the Oilers will never fire
“…I forgot to add… Obviously not as an Oiler.”
Zach Parise, future former New Jersey Devil
“Wait. Does this mean you aren’t resigning me, Lou?”
Stay classy, Ilya Kovalchuk. For 17 more years.
Dean Lombardi, Not-so-good negotiator
“We didn’t want you anyways, Ilya. I digress… Los Angeles is the new Edmonton.”
Dude, way too soon for that…. *goes back to dark room and opens another bottle of Jack*
Sorry Matt. Admittedly I wanted to see Kovalchuk in LA. Actually, it would have been cool to see him play for NYI too. Anywhere but NJ basically.
I still don’t buy into this “all of a sudden” notion that LA can’t attract stars. Not after one or two players not signing with them. Besides, this might be a blessing in disguise for the Kings. Thanks for reading Matt!
I’m so happy LA didn’t cave on this by offering this kind of insane contract! They don’t need him to win and it’s probably the best move Lombardi has made.
I think the only reason Lou Lamoriello signed Kovalchuk to this long of a deal is because he’s 67 years old. He’ll probably be dead before this contract ends, so why would he care how long it is?
@ Fantana – I think there were a few things at play here. RE: LA (Matt, back me up/correct me on this), I think there was pressure from the Kings CEO Tim Leiweke and others to get “the star.” It’s my understanding Lombardi didn’t really want him. With regards to NJ, there’s also some speculation their ownership group were pushing for Kovalchuk based on Lamoriello’s comments about filling a new stadium, etc… I don’t think NJ offering (a now defunct) the crazy 17 year deal was as much to do with Lou being insane as much as it was finding a way to appease various people. My only question is ‘Since when does Lou appease anyone?”