I suppose I can only get away with a blog like this if I first congratulate the Montreal Canadiens on their series clinching win over the Pittsburgh Penguins. (Congrats, Montreal). How hilarious would it be if the Philadelphia Flyers win tomorrow night, seeing the 7th and 8th seeds playing in the Eastern Conference Finals? Actually, I really want to see that happen now.
Anyways, in celebration of Montreal’s big win and the town riots that ensued after, I figured it would be somewhat appropriate to post a few tips for the next “celebration.” A celebration that will probably happen in less than two weeks when the Canadiens defeat the Flyers (or Bruins, but who knows??) in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Finals. Here are a few tips for your Stanley Cup Riot:
- Only riot in cities that legitimately care about hockey. So cities like Montreal or Philadelphia… or Tampa Bay.
- Wearing a Canadiens jersey when rioting is encouraged, however, crowds may turn on you if Bonk, Latendresse or Gainey nameplates are etched on said jersey.
- Try to assemble the craziest group of people possible for optimum destruction. A few suggestions include John Muckler and Glen Sather (two crazy bastards), Mike Milbury (proficient in obscure violence with non-traditional weapons) and James Duthie (mostly because he was the only person crazy enough to bet on Montreal in the 2nd round of the Playoffs after they were down 3-1 in the series. And partly because he’s been known to talk/hang out with monkeys macaques).
- If you are going to destroy local business property, make sure it’s a really bad business like that “Fleury’s School of Clutch Goaltending” on Expired Street.
- If ever you are concerned with the quality of your rioting now or in the last 15 years, just refer to rioting successes from 30+ years ago.
- You want to have a strong destruction percentage when rioting. Be selective and look for objects that can smash in one attempt or less to increase destruction percentage. By doing this, you’ll be feared for your lethal accuracy, just like Mike Cammalleri.
- The city of Montreal might try to reduce rioting by inviting fans into the Bell Centre to watch the Canadiens road games. But it’s really an opportunity to strategize and get drunk for 3 hours before the party really starts.
- If I’ve learned anything from Montreal, 2-1 odds are a good thing, so don’t worry if there are twice as many police as there are rioters. Just wear a Habs jersey and things will work out fine!
- When picking a team leader for your riot squad, try to pick someone that won’t quit half way through the task. Chances are s/he will wipe their hands clean should failure occur. That or s/he’ll reappear months later to take credit if you succeed.
- Finally, do your best to avoid damaging the sports stores that sell those Habs jerseys that when turned inside out are actually Leaf jerseys…
Stay classy, Montreal Canadiens.
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