Hello again! It’s been a little while and I’ve missed you… almost as much as you’ve missed me.
Wow. I type less than 20 words and already I’ve made things awkward. New record. Anyways, as many of you guys know, I’ve been dealing with some personal stuff over the last few weeks. Thanks to all of you who sent kind messages, texts, emails, tweets, etc… I sincerely appreciate that. It’s actually the main reason I’m back so soon!
I’m a pretty honest guy. I share things about myself more than I probably should. Today serves as a good example of that. About a month ago, I was laid off from my job. Although the whole process was rough, nothing outdid the parting words from my boss. Along with the “sorry to let you go” speech, I was given a few tips for my upcoming job search and feedback from my tenure with the company in a hand written diary. Today, I’d like to share some of those tips with you. The diary said…
- Don’t foolishly tell anyone who’ll listen “I will be back next year, after I take the rest of this year off”. (I was also warned not to become the new Octane 7.0 spokesperson).
- Your No Movement Clause doesn’t hold up in crappy performances and bad economy’s…
- After I finish unfairly firing you, please don’t do any Alex Burrows impressions.
- We weren’t prepared to trade you for future considerations, so we simply bought out your contract.
- Don’t watch those YouTube video’s made by Olli Jokinen called “Starting new jobs right: How to impress your new bosses”.
- Don’t sleep in on work days like Shane O’Brien does.
- Tell any company interested in your services that you are a Top 10 Hobey Baker finalist. Not only will you get dozens of job offers, but you’ll also get much larger offers for nothing!
- Avoid all management examples found in Mike Milbury’s instructional DVD “Recognizing talent: Building solid organizations step-by-step”.
- Don’t do job interviews using Chat Roulette.
- Start all job interviews by acknowledging that Tomas Kaberle will not be asked to waive his No Trade Clause and make it clear you won’t talk about this subject any more. Then, every six or seven minutes, talk about Tomas Kaberle, his No Trade Clause and why Phil Kessel is so great.
- Think twice about hiring Alan Walsh to be your new agent.
- To impress potential hiring managers and future co-workers, pick up a copy of Ron Wilson’s new book “Making analogies that no one really understands”.
- Avoid getting motivational pep-talks from Jim Playfair.
- Whenever you land your next job, don’t hire all your brothers. It’s like the kiss of death. Just ask the Calgary Flames.
- Make 3 different resumes for the Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club. They are hiring players who can “not get hurt all the time”, coaches who can win more than 25 games per year and a GM who can avoid signing crippling contracts. No previous experience is necessary and they need candidates to start immediately.
- Don’t read the book “Job Security: How to stay in the same organization for years” by Mike Sillinger.
- In job interviews, tell everyone your previous employer was like the Toronto Maple Leafs and that you are a similar talent to Lee Stempniak. Just make sure you aren’t being interviewed by Pierre McGuire.
I’m back, bitches!!! Now tell all of your friends.
Stay classy, crappy old job.
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- Ron Wilson’s Decision Making Matrix