Headshots, and how to deal with them

February 3rd, 2010 by Tambland Leave a reply »

If there is one term in hockey right now that is beaten to death, it’s “headshots.”

Even yesterday, without any recent provocation (Patrice Cormier notwithstanding), Sun Media printed an article on the topic, declaring that Canadians want to see headshots eliminated from the game of hockey. The only anomaly that they didn’t mention is that both metropolises of Ottawa and Edmonton voted overwhelmingly in favour of headshots being exclusively dealt to Dany Heatley.

With no solution in sight, I thought it might be prudent to make a few suggestions on what the NHL can do to eliminate headshots from the game.

  • Have Marty McSorley negotiate all future contracts for the NHLPA. The direct economic impact of his negotiating skills would create fear about potential brain damage.
  • At all NHL training camps, incorporate the new Chris Pronger Obstacle course. At the end of the course, have Chris Pronger get sacked by successful players. He may never elbow again. Or never ask to be traded for undisclosed reasons.
  • Have all helmets fitted with chaff release based on a proximity sensor located in players’ pads. When an approaching elbow or shoulder gets too close to the helmet, chaff is released, blinding the opposing player.
  • Offending players will be forced to gently stroke Alex Ovechkin’s sticks all day until they are warm, but not too hot to handle. While this may reduce scoring, the YouTube videos will be punishment enough.
  • Initiate simple retrofits to hockey helmets, featuring Viking thorns and German WWI spikes.
  • A player caught in the act of a headshot shall change his name to ‘Downie’, wear the number ’9′, and play every game against Matt Carkner, where he will be Carkner-fied.
  • Have the offending player traded to the Toronto Maple Leafs, where their truculence will be initially welcomed until they realize they’re playing for Toronto.
  • Un-retire Bobby Clarke, and have him break ankles after each headshot.

Stay classy, unsolved NHL headshots.

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3 comments

  1. metricjulie says:

    Tambland is my favorite writer. He says stuff like “notwithstanding”, “viking” and “gently stroke”. Très Classy.

  2. Burgundy says:

    Yes yes, Tambland is the master of eloquent words. He’s the walking definition of Classy.

  3. C says:

    Ok, but you failed to address if someone’s head gets in the way… What about the short players? Or the large elbowed or large craniumed?

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