8 alternative punishments for Patrice Cormier

January 21st, 2010 by Burgundy Leave a reply »

On Wednesday, the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League revealed while they don’t yet have a punishment for Patrice Cormier, they expect to have one at some point next week.

While it seems odd the QMJHL would make an announcement to announce another announcement on Cormier’s punishment is forthcoming, it’s probably something they should take their time with to ensure the right form of discipline is handed out. Cormier’s punishment presents an interesting dilemma for Commissioner Gilles Courteau and the QMJHL. Courteau needs to send a strong message to Cormier, the league, and the hockey world that this type of play cannot and will not be tolerated. However, this needs to be done in a way that doesn’t make OHL Commissioner David Branch and his previous punishments look insignificant or over the top.

Since decisions like these can be tough, I’d like to offer some suggestions to Courteau and the QMJHL, should they require additional help or advice. Below are the top 8 alternative punishments for Patrice Cormier, courtesy of Stayclassy.net:

  • Have Cormier use his elbow to iron and flatten all of Sean Avery’s clothes. Even the sloppy seconds clothes.
  • Send Cormier back to the World Junior Championships next year to learn how to properly captain a Canadian hockey team. While he’s there, maybe he can keep Pierre McGuire from ‘unleashing’ any more Taylor Hall-ice cream quotes.
  • Have Cormier deliver a similar elbow-shot to the President of NBC for extending Jay Leno’s career after we thought he might finally retire.
  • Have Cormier play for the Toronto Maple Leafs so he can learn how true pugnacity is played. Fact: I had as much trouble typing that as you did reading it…
  • In a cross-promotional effort, have Cormier deliver another similar elbow-shot in a WWE fight to help promote Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s new hockey movie, “The Toothfairy”.
  • Have Cormier watch the world’s worst movie once a day, every day for as many days as Mikael Tam takes to fully recover. Of course, the movie I’m referring to is Garden State.
  • Have Cormier deliver two more elbow-shots to Alex Burrows and Stephane Auger for making hockey fans hear more crying and moaning from sports “professionals” than found in an episode of Jersey Shore.
  • Immediately promote Cormier to the NHL to play for Pat Quinn and the Edmonton Oilers. That in itself should be punishment enough.

Stay classy, Gilles Courteau and the QMJHL.

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7 comments

  1. MasterOfPuppets says:

    25 games would probably be reasonable but I liken it to McSorley on Brashear – no it’s not a stick to the head but a bloody kevlar clad elbow ain’t exactly a bag of grammas fresh baked muffins.

    Here’s a gem for those who debate the issue of hockey hits, suspensions and factoring in the consquence – imagine if Tam had died as a result of the hit. Now where does Cormier stand? If the law isn’t involved on it as an asault/battery charge now, and Tam had died does it not then become manslaughter?

    Tawwk about that over your cawwfee …

    If he plays hockey again, Cormier is a marked man and any future Eff Ups will be dealt with severely.

  2. Mantooth says:

    I think Tam should get a free run at him with an elbow…. but that might just be going a little too far.

  3. I like the WWE spin but instead have him fight “The Narcissist” Lex Luger with his metal plated forearm…wrestling is real, shut up.

    Justin
    @hockeycardshow

  4. Burgundy says:

    LOL! Nice Justin. Or Sheldon Souray, with his bionic forearm.

    Yes Mantooth, probably going a little too far. Let’s just send Cormier to Russia so we can stop talking about him.

    @ MoP – I honestly don’t know what the QMJHL would do in that case. Cormier probably is a marked man, but I wonder how that will translate in a new league. Also, I’ve always wondered how someone determins a big time no-no (like this) deserves 25-30 games. Like, why not 40-50. How does one quantify Cormier’s actions into games missed as punishment. I’m not saying 25 games is right or wrong, but I always found it interesting to hear what the “appropriate number” ends up being.

  5. Sens19 says:

    Avery’s sloppy seconds haha, that would be a death sentence for me!

    And hey you’ll regret that Oilers comment soon enough. I think a dose of Tortorella should do him some good though

  6. Nock4Six says:

    I say we cut off his nuts with a hockey stick.

    I know…it might take a while….but that’s the fun in it!

    Or is that going too far…? I think not. Fothermucker.

  7. Burgundy says:

    Too far? Debatable. Probably taking it as far as intending to drive an elbow into someone’s face. Wait…. nevermind…

    And to point #1… Ummm those one piece composite sticks might break before getting the desired result :P

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