Alright, we all know the Alex Burrows-Stephane Auger story. If you don’t, I wrote an amazing piece about it yesterday. By amazing, I mean a half-assed summary. But close enough, right?
Regardless of the severity of Burrows accusations, the reality is nothing will come of them. It’s a he said-she said battle… although I’m not sure who’s the girl is in this case. Maybe Burrows? One thing is for certain, the NHL won’t go against an official, so Burrows will lose and Auger will continue reffing in the NHL.
Because of this, I’ve put together a few serious suggestions for the NHL on how they can avoid future Stephane Auger controversies while allowing him to continue as an NHL referee:
- Have Auger referee Ottawa Senators games. He’ll know to call zero-penalty games in advance, so there will be no threat of “fixing games.” Consider it a night off, Stephane.
- Don’t tell Auger about a player named Claude Lemieux.
- Have Hollywood make a movie about Auger’s life and career as an NHL referee. Have Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson star as Auger. Tobey McGuire could play Burrows too.
- Have Auger referee games in Atlanta, Florida, Phoenix, Carolina, or Ottawa. No one even goes to those games anyways. It’s like that old saying goes, “if a bad call is made in an empty arena, does anyone notice?”
- Allow EA Sports NHL11 to include an “Auger-mode” that basically only calls penalties on Alex Burrows. Some pro gamer tips: You can probably beat the game by not playing as the Vancouver Canucks. Try to pick a team in the Canucks division for the best and most advantages.
- Don’t call Auger’s actions “transgressions” because of how badly he screwed Burrows and the Canucks.
- Allow Auger to introduce a new “Pest penalty” to the league called “Burrows-ing.” The penalty signal used to tell timekeepers of the call will be to bury your head in your hands as if you are a 14 year old emo kid.
- Don’t introduce Auger to any of those former-NBA refs. Things could get ugly.
- Have Auger referee Toronto Maple Leafs games exclusively. Since Leafs fans are used to their team losing and taking undisciplined (truculent) penalties, no one will accuse Auger of “fixing the game.”
- Don’t let Rick Tocchett or Janet Gretzky bet on what penalty Stephane Auger next awards to Alex Burrows.
- Whatever you do NHL, remember not to overreact to any future Auger controversies. I can’t begin to tell you how crucial this is.
- Don’t have Auger referee on April 1st for the remainder of his career. There’s a small chance no one will take him or his calls seriously after that.
Stay classy, Stephane Auger.
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