How the NHL can avoid future Auger controversies

January 13th, 2010 by Burgundy Leave a reply »

Alright, we all know the Alex Burrows-Stephane Auger story. If you don’t, I wrote an amazing piece about it yesterday. By amazing, I mean a half-assed summary. But close enough, right?

Regardless of the severity of Burrows accusations, the reality is nothing will come of them. It’s a he said-she said battle… although I’m not sure who’s the girl is in this case. Maybe Burrows? One thing is for certain, the NHL won’t go against an official, so Burrows will lose and Auger will continue reffing in the NHL.

Because of this, I’ve put together a few serious suggestions for the NHL on how they can avoid future Stephane Auger controversies while allowing him to continue as an NHL referee:

  • Have Auger referee Ottawa Senators games. He’ll know to call zero-penalty games in advance, so there will be no threat of “fixing games.” Consider it a night off, Stephane.
  • Don’t tell Auger about a player named Claude Lemieux.
  • Have Hollywood make a movie about Auger’s life and career as an NHL referee. Have Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson star as Auger. Tobey McGuire could play Burrows too.
  • Have Auger referee games in Atlanta, Florida, Phoenix, Carolina, or Ottawa. No one even goes to those games anyways. It’s like that old saying goes, “if a bad call is made in an empty arena, does anyone notice?”
  • Allow EA Sports NHL11 to include an “Auger-mode” that basically only calls penalties on Alex Burrows. Some pro gamer tips: You can probably beat the game by not playing as the Vancouver Canucks. Try to pick a team in the Canucks division for the best and most advantages.
  • Don’t call Auger’s actions “transgressions” because of how badly he screwed Burrows and the Canucks.
  • Allow Auger to introduce a new “Pest penalty” to the league called “Burrows-ing.” The penalty signal used to tell timekeepers of the call will be to bury your head in your hands as if you are a 14 year old emo kid.
  • Don’t introduce Auger to any of those former-NBA refs. Things could get ugly.
  • Have Auger referee Toronto Maple Leafs games exclusively. Since Leafs fans are used to their team losing and taking undisciplined (truculent) penalties, no one will accuse Auger of “fixing the game.”
  • Don’t let Rick Tocchett or Janet Gretzky bet on what penalty Stephane Auger next awards to Alex Burrows.
  • Whatever you do NHL, remember not to overreact to any future Auger controversies. I can’t begin to tell you how crucial this is.
  • Don’t have Auger referee on April 1st for the remainder of his career. There’s a small chance no one will take him or his calls seriously after that.

Stay classy, Stephane Auger.

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17 comments

  1. sunny bhangu says:

    hahaha that is hillarious

  2. Jeff says:

    Burrows is definitely the girl. I can’t hear about Alexandra Burrows without thinking of the time he got himself a fistful of Duncan Keith’s hair in a scrap last season and just kept on yanking.

  3. Sens19 says:

    bahaha brilliant.

    “Don’t tell Auger about a player named Claude Lemieux.” lool epic

    btw isnt it Janet Gretzky? :p

  4. Burgundy says:

    Yes. Yes it is. I was trying to be discrete, damnit!!

    Thanks for y’all’s comments.

    @ Jeff – Excellent call on the fistful of Keith’s hair. I completely forgot about that one!!

  5. Tambland says:

    Hi Burgundy,

    Is Janice Gretzky related to Janet Gretzky?

  6. Tambland says:

    Also, hilarious read. Thanks for making my day a little funnier. (I am being sincere).

  7. chris says:

    the “don’t tell Auger about Claude Lemieux”…don’t get it???? other than knowing what “Turtle” did,diving and the cheapshot to Chris Draper…

  8. Burgundy says:

    @ Chris – Thanks for reading/commenting. It’s more of a shot to Lemieux making refs look bad with diving, injury faking, etc… According to Burrows, this whole thing started because Auger believed Burrows faked that Jerred Smithson hit from the last Preds/Canucks game. Lemieux makes Burrows look like a saint!

    @ Tambland – Thanks. And yeah… I’ve changed Janet’s name. I mentioned above that I was going for discretion… total lie on my part. Totally tried to cover up a bad error and lazy research :) I think the journalism gods are upset with me.

  9. Tambland says:

    Bahaha. I didn’t even see that Sens19 pointed it out too. My bad.

    But good fix.

  10. Burgundy says:

    Indeed so Tambs.

  11. Jay says:

    Hey man, screw off.

    Carolina still has a reasonably loyal fanbase even for a cellar-dwellar.

    How come the NY Islanders, #29 in the league in attendance, never get lumped into conversations like that… is it because NYC is colder than Raleigh? WTF, really.

  12. Bryan says:

    @ Jay – Colder maybe, but NYC is definitely COOLER than Raleigh though. Get it? ahhhahahaha *sigh*

  13. Burgundy says:

    @ Jay – I wouldn’t take this blog that seriously. After all, I am making fun of my hometown team too (Senators). However, you do bring up a good point that the Islanders aren’t brought up nearly as much as those other teams. Truth be told, I didn’t even think about including the Isles either. But it’s certainly not because of weather. Frankly, I just forgot about them.

    @ Bryan – Zing. LOL.

  14. Bryan says:

    Forgot about the Islanders? That could be worse than being included here, they were just plain not mentioned because it isn’t worth it! haha

  15. Sens19 says:

    @ Jay: lol at both comments. I feel bad for the Isles, wasn’t Tavares supposed to turn them into a hockey hotbed again or something. Still don’t think anyone cares about them oops

  16. Burgundy says:

    I think the two biggest things for the Islanders are a new arena (I’m somewhat in the know of the whole Lighthouse project mess) and to get the team winning again.

    Tavares has done everything he possibly can. He’s lived up to expectations, but it shouldn’t be on him. When (not if, but when) the Isles start winning and winning more consistently, fans will show up again. And Garth Snow has done a great job with talented prospects – they had 7 great players in the WJC’s this year alone. To me, the Isles are about more more years off being where the Kings are at now (and to a lesser extent, the Coyotes).

  17. Richard T. says:

    this is hilarious.

    as if i’m only reading this now!

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