What would you do, part 6 – Dany Heatley style?

June 17th, 2009 by Tambland Leave a reply »

So Dany Heatley wants out? Unfortunate on the one hand, as over he’s scored 260 goals and 543 points in 507 games. Fortunate on the other hand, as Ottawa gets to bring in something in return for the “Dominant Dany Heatley.”


Across the Internet, the prognosticators are all talking about who might be coming back to Ottawa in return for Heater. Cammaleri? Frolov? Johnson? Phaneuf? All these names have been thrown about. But we here at stayclassy.net don’t always follow the mainstream. We think outside the box. So I present the sixth part of the now famous “What Would You Do” series:


Dany Heatley vs. A Bucket of Pucks

Dany Heatley’s Age: 28 years old

Bucket of Pucks Age: Brand New

Well you have to think the Bucket of Pucks wins here. They are, after all, brand new. They may wear out faster, but even that is debatable.

Dany Heatley’s Career Goal Totals: 260 goals

Bucket of Pucks Goal Totals: 7,006 goals scored in the 2008/2009 NHL season.

That’s a lot more goals than Heatley has even scored in his career. Got to go with the Bucket of Pucks on this one.

Dany Heatley Dimensions: 6’3, 220 lbs

Puck Dimensions: 1 inch thick, 3 inches in diameter, weighs between 51/2 ounces and 6 ounces.

Alright, so Heatley is a bit bigger here. He has the potential to go hard to the net and sacrifice his body for a goal (remember, I said potential). But if a puck goes charging at the net and goes in, at least it’s a goal.

Dany Heatley Material: Skin and bones, with some muscle, and hard plastic to protect him.

Puck Material: Vulcanized rubber.

Have to go with the puck here. Heatley has to gear up just to go out on the ice. The puck goes out there naked. The puck also has no aversion to pain, as indicated by the number of times it can be hit and keep coming back. Heatley, on the other hand, has demonstrated an aversion to pain, as indicated by the number of times he is willing to hit or be hit.

Dany Heatley and Bucket of Pucks- The Intangibles

There are a number of other factors that can be discussed with statistics. Take for instance, the warm-up. Often Dany Heatley just lazily skates around, shoots a couple times, stretches, and gets ready for the game. The Bucket of Pucks, however, is out there until the bitter end. You have to get a Zamboni on the ice just to get those pucks off. Now that’s dedication.

A Bucket of Pucks will never call out the coach for not getting enough ice time. A Bucket of Pucks is just happy to be playing.

Jason Spezza might actually be able to do more with a Bucket of Pucks than with a Dany Heatley.



So there you have it folks. Dany Heatley for a Bucket of Pucks. I’ll let you decide on this one.


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  1. You know, that might be the best trade I’ve heard yet for him. You won’t have to worry about a bucket of pucks getting injured during the year and when they leave the ice, they go home with fans, so they are certainly good for the organization.

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