Instead of hyper-analyzing what’s wrong with the Ottawa Senators, like everyone else, I’m going to give you 10 first class decisions Ron Burgundy would make it he ran the Senators like his channel 4 news team.
Oh, and Leaf fans, if Burke was this proactive, you’d have more than Brad May (but that was a good fight last night) …
- Have all Sens jersey’s retooled and made of velvet. This way, whenever opposition forechecks/makes big hits, they’d slip right off and be rendered useless
- Show the Sens how to grow real mustaches to instill true fear… honestly Nicky Foligno looked like a clean and lovable version of Ron Jeremy. In no way was that impressive
- Being the Ringleader, Burgundy would run team building workshops of shopping for new suits (even Don Cherry would be impressed), eating ribs for lunch and seriously trash talking other teams by reminding them who’s boss (note: the Toronto Maple Leafs would definitely be the evening news team with Thomas Kaberle being Wes Mantooth)
- No dressing room stall would be larger than a phone booth – it breeds true greatness and self reflection
- All teammates would be forced to have a glass of scotch prior to every game
- All players would be trained to properly wrestle a bear, just incase a fight ever ensues (highly doubtful, given the velvet, rad mustaches and reputation of fighting bears for fun)
- All players diets would include healthy amounts of wheels of cheese
- No player would ever do interviews with teleprompters, ever
- 60% of the time, they’d win everytime
- Finally, he’d rename the team to: The Ottawa Senanchors. And hey, it even fits with their current record!
Finally, some of strange hockey thoughts to finish…
- Recently, some have suggested Pat Quinn could save the day here in Ottawa after coaching a tremendous Canadian team to gold in the recent World Junior Championships. Great coach, great job, but Hartsburg has two gold medals. “Oh, but he’s really great with kids, too, Ron”. Okay, but as of April 2008, the Ottawa Senators were the 22nd oldest team in the NHL, average age being 29. More than 10 years older than the oldest World Junior player coached by Quinn. Fail
- Fail is the new w00t (note: not a hockey specific thought)
- NHL Allstar voting is bunk. How is Alexander Semin not in the Allstar game? I think I know the answer: Crosby might jump him for that trash talking in October. This is for your own protection, Semin! And besides, windmill karate chops aren’t a part of the Allstar weekend festivities…. YET.
- Ask yourself this: How many wood boards could Semin chop through? Okay, now ask yourself this: why does it matter? Gotcha.
- General Managers and Fans alike always say they need more scoring in the NHL Allstar games as the last few haven’t seen as much scoring, so I have an idea: Have Daniel Alfredsson and Jason Spezza play in their own zone during the Allstar game and see what kind of scoring chances they can generate/give to the Western team (sorry Alfie, I really didn’t want to write this, but 4 game-losing giveaways in 8 miserable road games deserves something)
Stay classy, world.
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